The tangles of domestic abuse

i got to this page after reading the polie report on chris brown and rihanna. i am sorry to say that at 55, i have had two abusive husbands and that i brought my daughter up in a violent household. both husbands are now gone and the relationships have cost me in every way.. i am paying alimony to the second abusive husband. i now know that i should never have stayed in either relationship or rationalized away the abuse. i was/am an arguer too, but i have never hit anyone to make my point. it is completely uncivilized to beat a woman down for expressing her opinion on any subject and there is no way that anyone who beats you up loves you. the description of what chris brown did to rihanna is horrible, just because she read a text message from one of his sexual partners, the threats, the vicious way that he beat and bit her and tried to push her out of the car while she was in a seat belt, then pushing her head into the passenger door window are not acts of love or respect. i pray that all you girls will take this to heart. it's not because you are too fat, too mouthy, too nosy, too uneducated, too bossy, too educated, too bourgeois, too ghetto...it's because of what the man has in him and that cannot be fixed by you taking beatings from him. it hurts to leave a man that you love and i still love my husband, but i know that he never loved me and that gives me a lot of help and confidence in staying away from him.

I was in an abusive marriage 20yrs ago which ended after 3 yrs and recently my sister (age 40) was in an 8yr abusive relationship. My husband and I allowed her to come and live with our family to help get her back on her feet. (I have to admit this brought back memories that I would like to forget.) My sister has been with us for 9 months and I recently found out that she has been in contact with her abuser for a little over a month now. I am extremely upset about this and have confronted her. I have asked her to discontinue the communication and she has refused. She states that I am not giving her credit. I don't know what else to do. she seems to think that he will get help and she just want to encourage him since she feels he has no one else. I have told her that she is not able to get healed if she continues to communicate with him. His guy is a manipulator and he knows her weak spots and how to string her along.

Any advise?

I know someone who has been beaten by her husband for years, She stays with him because she says she wants her kids to have a Father, He beats her with objects, disrespects her and she takes him back eveytime. She is afraid of him, And so are her kids. He is a bully and coward. You know the woman can't win ina fight, and you beat on her anywa. I don't know why a woman would stay and take this form a man.

Good for you! Hopefully others will take a hint...

I was in a relationship where I was abused physically, emotionally, psychologically & verbally. Abusers in general are either VERY MEAN or OVERLY OOZING with kindness. But just when you think things are going well, they snap. It also starts out very slowly & escalates over time. The physical violance is very clear, but the emotional, verbal & psychological abuse is confusing & always far worse. My ex was a ver narcissistic man, but underneath he is extremely insecure. I hope Rhianna is strong enough to move on- she's beautiful & talented & Chris Brown is just a BIG BULLY.

Here's a better question instead of why do people stay with abusers. What leads people to abuse their partners and how to stop it?

His frat brothers should have kicked the shit out of him. Might not have helped but at least he'd get what he deserved.

I had a friend who was physically abused for years by her husband. I talked with her numerous times about the abuse and tried to get her to see that she would be better off away from him. I took her into my home when she would leave him, but ultimately she always went back to him. One night she drove to a remote location and shot herself and quietly died alone.

Thank you for this, what an honest, beautiful article. Most of us – me included – are the type to shake our heads at the women who stay or go back to abusers. Well, at least until it happened to me. When our First Lady Michelle Obama, stopped in the Midwest last fall, I was privileged to be able to introduce her and share some of this story.

When my boyfriend of one year started becoming violent with me, it escalated from "accidents" and sexual assault to extreme psychological control and physical violence.

I can't explain what I was thinking over those months; it kind of sneaks up on you and you can't process reality. In that sense, Rihanna is lucky. So many of us don't have the clarity of what Rihanna has just experienced – an outright beating.

Instead, we're left to wonder if what's happening is a fleeting occurence or real abuse. Each incident in-and-of itself is not enough to make you walk away. But like Val said, the day I drove away with the baby in the backseat was the sunniest most beautiful, blessed day of my life. Every day since, has only been better!

Unlike Rihanna, instead of bloody bruises, so many of us are abused in a different way.

Our faces are shoved into toilet bowls as punishment for not cleaning it well enough.

We're force fed food from the sink until it makes us vomit because we didn't do the dishes right.

We're forced to sleep naked and comply in the nightmare that ensues every night.

We're denied a pillow or blankets to sleep with because we stood our ground when we said "no" this time.

We're held down by an arm thrown over our throat and chest until we're breathlessly gasping for air.

Our work and accomplishments are ridiculed, but he spends our paychecks with a sense of entitlement.

Our breasts are grabbed and twisted so hard, so maliciously – in the car, at the grocery store, in a hallway – that bruises are left in the shape of a handprint.

We're stupid. We're selfish. We're crazy. We're nuts. We don't respect him.

We are dragged across the room by our hair. To this day, he'll deny it all.

Today, three years later, I'm loving the joys of mommyhood and my super silly, sweet little toddler. I have an excellent job that enables me to earn two times the national per capita income. And I'm writing a book profiling global women's issues. There is life after crisis because the system works.

Thank you to the women, the Congressmen, the Presidents and the lobbyists who fought for non-discrimination against pregnancy in the workplace, who fought for a woman's right to attend college, who fought for a girl's right to be educated in the same school as boys, who fought for FMLA, who fought for a woman's right to own property, who fought for a woman's right to vote. Thank you for giving me a choice. Thank you for writing laws that balance a mother's and father's rights equally. Thank you for legally recognizing domestic violence. Thank you to the police officers, judges, lawyers, and court officials who push the judicial system toward greater understanding and awareness of this problem. Thank you to the teachers, day care providers, nurses and doctors who will keep my son safe and happy long into the future. I owe you everything.

One of the best hints that a woman has a physical abuser is when the relationship is quite young, and he gets angry over something TRIVIAL, and calls his woman a bad name like "b***h." A woman should know then that she has a real problem on her hands, and THAT'S the time to get out...not when the violence escalates to permanent scarring, paralysis, or death.

I appreciate your willingness to share you story Val; that took strength and courage. Thank you.
Violence against women and children is global and pervasive. It knows no cultural or socioeconomic boundaries. Yet despite its pervasiveness and the devastation it causes, first to the victim and then to her family, friends, and community; violent male behavior is still glorified and rewarded.
In the case of Rhianna and Chris Brown, there has been much speculation and opinion sharing. Recently there have been rumors about them continuing their relationship. I say continuing because violence, sadly enough, does not preclude the continuation of a relationship. But as so often happens, when discussing domestic violence, discussions shift from the offender’s behavior to the victim's behavior. It's the blame-game. It would appear, from both the information in the affidavit–which was released earlier today–to the very telling photo of Rhianna's facial injuries–that Chris Brown is an extremely violent young man. My experience as a crisis counsellor tells me that Rhianna is not his first victim nor is she likely to be his last. Research and experience also informs me that, should Rhianna choose to stay in a relationship with Chris, she will be at a very high risk of being violently attacked again, maimed or killed. Rhianna needs counselling to help her deal with her traumatic experiences, her feelings about and towards Chris and to examine her perceptions of herself and what she believes constitutes a loving and mutually respectful relationship. Chris needs counselling to determine where his rage comes from and why he believes it is acceptable to physically and verbally vent his rage on his intimate partner or anyone else for that matter. Chris absolutely must take full and unequivocal responsibility for the violence he perpetrated. If he fails to do so and fails to take all the necessary steps toward understanding himself and controlling his anger, then Rhianna, and other women in his life and any future children he may have, will be at risk of being victimized by him.
The public, Chris' peers and colleagues must also hold him accountable. That fact that he is a celebrated music artist is not a reason to dismiss, deny, ignore or change the color and context of Chris' violent behavior and the very real traumatic injuries he inflicted upon Rhianna. Equally important will be how the public, her peers, and entertainment community responds to Rhianna. Rhianna does not deserve to be vilified. Rather she deserves and needs to be embraced with compassion and empathy. She needs to be reminded of her value and uniqueness as a human being and her right to live her life free from fear and violence.

Respectfully,
Wendy Murdoch

I remember something my grandmother told me, and this is true, the first time they beat you, shame on him, the second time they beat you, shame on you. You need to value yourself, before anyone will value and respect you, Stay strong, no one is here for anyone else's abuse. If they have the nerve to do it once, it will happen again.

During an argument, my husband ran and threw me backwards – I hit 2 glass doors. When I hit the floor and grabbed my face, I told him I think you broke my nose. He pulled me up from the floor by the front of my shirt and threw me out onto the porch. I never saw this coming – I never even saw his face. I was bruised on my shoulder, my nose was broke (which required surgery) and my hip, back and pelvic were bruised and injured and I needed therpay for 5 months to fix them. My husband has many great qualities but I never realized his repressed anger and rage. His temper is out of control. He told me thats what happens when I pee him off and also said it was an accident. I filed for divorce two weeks after but my heart aches for the man I married. I just could never trust what may set him off again. Although he apologized, he did not accept responsibility for his actions or admit he needs help with his temper. Under those circumstances I had no choice but to file. Too bad, he has many great qualities but lives in denial.

I was in an abusive relationship for six years with a man who, when not angry, was charismatic, thoughtful, funny and generous. He also had a short fuse, was threatened by my accomplishments and used elaborate manipulative techniques to isolate me from friends and family. He choked me twice, grabbed me constantly, shoved me up against walls, threw me down, threw objects repeatedly, uttered threats, called me names no one I knew had ever used. I knew he had put a previous gf in the hospital, but I stayed because I thought love demanded a certain forgiveness, and, secretly, I was afraid to be alone. My father abused my mother and she stayed. I have a graduate degree and have always supported myself. To this day, I am upset that I gave this despicable person even a day of my life.

I was in a relationship with an abusive man for 10 years. We started dating in college and about 2 months into our relationship, he hit me for the first time in our campus student union. Later he apologized to me and after I had time to get over being mad, I made up with him, thinking it wouldn't happen again. This cycle would go on for the next 10 years.
My family would constantly tell me to leave him, but I didn't want to hear it. It eventually got to the point that he had brainwashed me enough to think my family wasn't and wouldn't be there for me, so I turned my back on them. During this time we conceived a child. Thankfully he never touched her, but the threat that he would was always in the back of my mind.
Part of the reason I was so reluctant to leave him was because I didn't want to think of myself as an abused woman – that didn't happen to girls like me. I came from a home where my father never hit my mother. I had a Christian upbringing and I knew better that relationships like mine were not the norm. But I also felt that I deserved his beatings for going against my family's wishes. I made my bed, I deserved to lie in it.
As the years passed, we eventually got married. Now it was even harder for me to leave as the threats worsened – he would take my child away from me and I'd be left with nothing.
During our relationship, he constantly cheated on me. I knew of some of the times, but I put up with it because my self-esteem was at an all-time low and I knew if I confronted him, I would get another beating.
I left him numerous times during our relationship, but I always went back. Every time I thought things would get better and they would...for a little while. I now know that's called the honeymoon phase, I just didn't want to acknowledge it.
After 10 yrs, something just clicked. We got into an argument in the car and he punched me in the face. I decided then and there that I couldn't do it anymore, he wasn't going to use me a punching bag. I left him in front of his workplace, sent our child to stay with my parents and filed for divorce. I've never looked back.
What made me finally leave him? I decided I didn't want to live the rest of my life this way. I didn't want my daughter to grow up thinking this was the kind of relationship she should have. And I was tired. Tired of crying, being depressed and not caring about myself.
My mom often asks me what she could've done differently, what she could've said to me to get me to leave and never go back...and I tell her nothing, there's nothing anyone can say or do for a victim of domestic violence until they're ready to leave for themselves.

I pulled an abuser off a friend and fought with him until he fled. He was 6'4" and I am 5'2" but don't let that fool you–I am a little tank. We were evenly matched. This was almost 30 years ago.

He and my friend had been arguing and I left the room to give them privacy to work it out. Next thing I knew, I heard a thin wail of anguish and ran back in the room. He was literally sitting on her body, punching her face with his fists. Ironically, I was afraid of using all my strength and hurting him because he'd been my friend for years. I grabbed him by the back of the pants and hauled him off of her and he came after me. He threw an antique, overstuffed, hardwood rocker across the room and it hit me, but I was so full of adrenaline that I didn't even feel it. I bit him so hard through 3 shirts that I left a bloody circle–he only felt it the next day.

He seemed to calm and I left so they could talk, only to hear her scream again. This time, probably foolishly, I brandished a shovel at him, making to bring it down on his head. I didn't actually want to hit him with it–I didn't really want to truly hurt him, but it did distract him so that he got off her and tried unsuccessfully to wrestle it away from me.

The whole time, his eyes were insane and he could not seem to speak, only to grunt and growl. It was when he finally was able to speak, saying "Give me the shovel" and I could reply "I'm afraid you'll kill us with it," that I could see he had returned to himself. He promised he just wanted to throw it away, which he did, and then he ran off.

He tried to beat her again the next day, but this time she was able to fight him off and he left, returning only once to get his stuff.

It was so strange to see a friend turn into a violent, grunting, even deranged beast–and so tragic. We were all a bunch of hippies basically from normal, middle-class or more backgrounds, proving once again that there is no social strata for this malady. It broke a trust in me that has never entirely returned–now I know what people can do to each other from a firsthand perspective and I don't really believe we are ever truly safe.

My god, finally the system did not fail. Seven years of my life and I am still waiting for the sytems to do the right thing. Thank you CNN, because of the media Domestic Violence will not be ignored.

I too share a very similar story from my past (15 years ago) and I applaud your courage and the strength you have shown in sharing your story. Thanks you!

Anyone who hits a woman without her consent is a coward.

If don't think you can get out of it alone, and you are in an abusive relationship, then get soemone to help you. There is no shame in doing that.

The shame lies within not doing anything about it. The shame is the waste of a good person's life. The shame is you, whoever you are, not being able to be yourself and live life how you want to live it.

my goodness,, black on black crime... and they both have an income of whaaaaaaat............... please. if this was a poor white mother like mine .. no story... like the body guards would let this happen,,, oh wait,, it was black history month,,, let a person of color get close to either of them now,, see whom gets hurts

I am a 32 year old woman with 3 kids I was married for 11 years to a great guy but having had my first child at 16 I thought I had missed something, so I left that married and began for once to receive attention from many men the ones that had nothing do with me in school, I came upon the man I had a huge crush in school on he asked me out and it began after the first few days of just talking, he had found out I had been to a friends house he got mad I didnt understand I had learned to be outspoken and vocal and he slapped me, broke my windshield of a vehicle had just got that day and from that point on my thought wow he loves me so much or why else would he be so mad. That was the begining of my nightmare that would take a year to get out I was the victim afraid to death of him even knowing if i didnt get away id be dead, he took me away from family friends kids, I was hit or verbally abused daily mentally I lost myself hated me, Id go to police and the be to afraid to stay away even with protective order, I loved him he was all I had, so he had made me to believe, I lived in my car ashamed and I had a job but couldnt get past him and the why? I did file charges after he had a gun to my head the gun went off as i moved the physical and mental scares im still dealing with, and then I turned to the man i thought be my hero took me from that state treated me like I was perfect, then away from my family he began my question is i hear its my looks and my independence im breaking on the inside, but im determined to win any advice or just someone who can relate if you could e-mail that be great people who dont no who havnt experienced dont get it. thanks for taken time read.

Thanks for this article. Yes I was in an abusive marriage and stayed in it cause of money and cultural issues. I finally gathered enough courage to leave as I didn't want to end up dead! He is now remarried and has two kids...tells me he has never hit his wife. I on the other hand have managed to stay unmarried for 7 years cause of obvious reasons. I learned a lot from this relationship. The sad part was that this side of him was never revealed while we dated for a year and a half! Well at least I am thankful to be alive. Glad you shared your story...makes me feel not alone.

15 years ago I met a man in church he was a pastors "right hand" man, after 8 months of dating I married him. I had always thought I would die in my 30's since death was in my life with family members at an early age. Two months after marrying this man he hits me for the first time. My teenage daughters who saw all of it called the police. At that time he took off. The policeman's walky talky was going off with codes and I inquired what they meant. This man had been arrested for Murder, Attempted Murder, 2 rapes, 2 arsons, and a kidnapping. I should have put a restraining order on him but thought stupidly that he was now gone and would not come back. He returned two weeks later and marital raped me, I was then pregnant with twins. He continued to beat me throughout the pregnancy; My Dr. would see the bruises and admit me for a week at a time. My chart read "fetal endangerment".
Still afraid I stayed with him another year and started counseling for "ME" I had been so broken emotionally, spiritually and physically. I lost all dignity and self worth. I could not look out a window in my home, or watch tv, I had to look straight ahead when we were out in the car. Once I left hte tv to take a shower, he came in the bathroom and thru open the curtain to see who was in there with me, when he left he left the curtain and door wide open, I just cried knowing one day he will act on his paranoia. he kicked me in the chest once full force with his shoed foot.. I ended up in emergancy where I lied about being in an auto accident. The fear and embarassment were hard to handle.Thru counseling I was strong enough to file for divorce, he then threatened to kill me if I went thru with it. So I gave him a slip of paper from the court saying it was canceled. Still in counseling I filed once more. This time when he threatened me I never gave him a notice of cancelation from the court. I waited the waiting period for my state and showed up at court with my friends for support. I had done my homework and gathered his criminal records, I talked to the local district attorney’s office the "child abduction “unit to cover myself so I could leave state, with my children. My divorce was final the day I showed before the Judge, The Judge hand wrote on my papers may leave the state with the twins. I lost my home, four cars and my business because of the turmoil this man made in my life. I left and rebuilt my life. I married three years later to a wonderful man who adopted my twins. Today they are 14 yrs old play 6 different instruments, are Top players in their school football team and are talking about college in the future.
The only reason I could come up with for staying so long was that I felt safer when he was in my prescence then out of sight. Behind my back was the unknown, and I did not know his moodes
Getting away from him was the best thing I could have done for myself and my children... I now even have my own business back, and own a home on five acres. Life is good

How about a single article about women who abuse men? Domestic abuse happens both ways and is more humiliating for men.

This is a wonderful happy ending...but not all end this way....some with permanent disfigurement...even death. And, it is not just the woman being beaten up.......woman also beat up men.

Glad you were able to set yourself free...that was courage!

Thank you for this article!!! For the woman who surive and those that do not......Stop the violence now!!!!!!

Thank you so much for sharing your story. Although I have never been in an abusive relationship I have a few friends who suffered through them and it breaks my heart to see women in this tragic situation. I sincerely hope your story will serve as an inspiration to the thousands of women who struggle each day to go on ...somehow... not knowing exactly what to do, but hoping for a way out someday.

Congratulations on your success!

Thank you for this. I myself am not in an abusive relationship but one of my friends is. They are broken up now, but I always fear for her. They hve been together since her freshman year of highschool. In that time he has punched her, beaten her and pushed her down the stairs. She's been to couseling but always seems to go back. When she is with him she's not allowed to associate with anyone but him. This time he broke her finger, but instead of telling anyone she blamed it on her english textbook. She says she's done with him but sometimes I don't belive her. Abuse happens at all ages, could you possibly do a story about it from a highschoolers point of view. Some parents don't even now it's occuring in their childs lives, and childern just want exceptance and what they think is love wherever they can find it.

Grow up, already.

I was also a victim of abuse but it was never physical. It was just him constantly putting me down,controlling me, lying to me, stealing from me, threatening in me, insulting me. I think you get the picture. I was with him for 7 years and I lied to every one in my family and tried to put on a happy face.

WHAT HELPED ME? First, my current husband's constant support. When we met, he talked to me, he told me – become independent from this man. Take control first of little things, without thinking what he would say or being afraid of him. Don't let him control your mind. And second, abusers mostly do it to have power over you – and they want more and more of it. So it becomes a question of how much you can take. When I called the police that last day, I even said to him: "thank you for making it so easy for me". Now I am married to a great guy and I have my own business.

MY ADVICE: If you are being abused, talk to your friends or family – prepare yourself. It will be easier to separate from that person if you talk to them and get emotional support. And to the family and friends: don't judge, don't pressure the victim to leave the abuser, they won't. Let them vent and encourage them to be more independent in their daily life. Once they see they can take care of themselves, it will be over, It's all in your mind – it's the psycho-dependency.

I had a similar situation in college, but the guy was only borderline abusive. When he finally took a swing at me, just grazing my jaw, and was escorted out of my apartment building by the police, I think he realized that I would not put up with his abuse anymore. Alcohol was always a contributing factor – I wonder how often that is true in abusive relationships? He was fine when he was sober, but became paranoid and jealous when he drank.

You go girl!!! I am so glad you are out of that nasty situation!

Val Willlingham articulated many of the thoughts and feelings I had while married to an abusive man. My husband was romantic and funny and attentive, but he also had a "dark side" and when he drank too much, he became argumentative and wanted to fight. He held me down by my hair and smashed a bouquet of flowers in my face because he thought I didn't like them. Flowers sound harmless but easily could have injured my eyes. He told the judge he never hit me. He felt if it wasn't a closed fist punch or open hand slap, it didn't count. He'd get in my face and scream the 'f' word over and over because he knew I didn't like it. This lovely man is a British citizen and I learned after 5 years of marriage that he "didn't want to get married but had to to stay in the country." Sure messed up my life (I gave up acceptance at law school to marry him). He convinced me he loved me and wanted to be married! My country (USA) provided no help whatsoever. One hard-hearted ICE investigator told me she didn't care if he left after the wedding, once he has his Green Card, he's "in" !! So, he drinks heavily, hit me, smashed wine bottles in my face, was emotionally and verbally abusive, but he gets a Green Card and I get to pick up the pieces of my life???

My mother was a victim of domestic abuse. My father always had a bad temper which only worsened with time. I told my mother to divorce him. Of course she thought I was cruel. My siblings too thought I was cruel. When he died at age 43 of heart disease, the only thing I felt was relief. My mother was depressed for 2 full years.

I wound up with crappy boyfriends/partners throughout my life. If it wasn't one problem, it was another. I guess having crap for a father lowers your self-esteem to a point where you feel you don't deserve anything better.

My husband was financially, emotionally and verbally abusive. After 5 years of putting up with him, I fell in love with someone else. He divorced me. It was the best thing he had ever done for me.

When you have an abusive partner, falling in love with someone else may be a saving grace.

About 20 years ago, I don;t want to be more specific, while I was teaching computer science at the college level, I had a brilliant student who one day came to class with a black eye. I was doing some pro bono computer work for the local Women's Shelter, so I was aware of the problem and how to help.

I talked with the student and invited her to meet with me and my wife at our house. We met and talked and suggested she move with her kids to the Women's shelter. She didn't want to do that. Later, perhaps after another beating she agreed. Her son moved with her but her daughter decided to stay with the father.

Eventually she divorced and met a nice guy and remarried and moved out of state. We did not stay in touch so I don;t know how she's doing.

Violence is always a choice, and no one ever deserves it. I teach teens about healthy relationships in hopes of avoiding unhealthy people. What would a life free of violence look like? Pretty amazing!

Wow! I really feel for Rihanna. Around her age I was in the same situation. My abuser made me feel as though I had done something wrong... I started to feel like the beatings were a punishment for my behavior and I almost deserved them. He hid it from EVERYONE and so did I - so in a sense I knew it was wrong. There was no way to get away... I was young, we lived in the same town.. went to the same high school. I finally got away but accepting as scholarship out of state for school. I fully thank college for getting me away from him.... it wasn't until months/years later that I realized how unhealthy my relationship was. From that point on I expected full RESPECT from all men..... but I still wonder why I kept going back. Celebrities and people on the internet are commenting on the Chris Brown /Rihanna case and saying "Well it's there business and they need to work it out." NO - The next step is for him to seriously injure her or kill her. I think her family and friends need to intervene and get her some serious help. He also needs serious help but at this point I think he needs to serve some jail time. Pretty boy wants to act like a criminal - he can live with the criminals!!

I too was a victim of domestic abuse. I had been with my boyfriend on and off for several years. Many times because he had broken up with me to be with other women. Finally, after several years, we moved in together. A month later, we were both without jobs and and the fighting began. We lived in my apartment and I paid our expenses. I was able to find temporary work while he had found none. And then the fighting escalated. Slapping, punching, then hands around my throat, then the death threats, all leading up to a broken nose. I reluctantly let him move back with me against my family and friends and behind their back. When I realized we were done, he wouldn't leave. When he finally did, he stole from me and then began stalking me. It isn't all behind me. The restraining order was a tough rode and the criminal system does not favor victims, but I know myself and I know I won't be in that situation again. I also now know I have choices other than being with an abuser.

i am currently going through the same thing. but the thing is no one knows about the abuse. I am not even sure myself if its abuse cause really he hasnt done much. So here how it is. He gets really mad if i wear clothes that are two short and revealing. HE doesnt let me hang out with any of my friends. i CAN only meet him and go out with him, that too during weekends. He doesnt want me to go to parties at all yet i caught him lying and going to parties himself ( my rule: if i cant go party, u cant either..whcih obviously doesnt work in my favor). For new years, he was dancing with aother girl so i walked away and was waiting in line for the restroom, he got mad that i was pushing him away cause i really didnt want ot talk to him n i told him to leave me alone. so he slapped me really hard and dragged me out of the club. in that process i tore a rib muscle. But i am to blame as i had provked him. Another time i wasnt picking his phone call cause i had been calling him all night but he wasnt picking my phone as he was lying to me and was out somewhere else. so when he started to call me around 4 am i did not bother to pick his call. so he drove down all the way to my place , took me in the bathroom as my sister was in the apparment, caught me by the neck really hard (which scared me) and slapped me yet again. but then again, i thik. yeah i made him mad cause i didnt pick his call. He gets mad and curses me like crazy if i dont pick his call when im sleeping, or if i go out wihtout telling me. so far he has slapped me only twice. so i dont think its that bad. or is it? is he an absuer? im really not sure. n i love him alot, but yet the thing he does, and after all the stff thats going around in the media, im having my doubts about this relation. HELP! my frineds tell me to leave him cause he has cheated alot. each time i breka up with him. he comes over to my place n begs me or he tells me hes going to kill himself. he even cut his hand last week when i told him im beaking up after i caught him lying. for soe reason i am too attached and cant seem to end it!

I was married for 10 years to a woman that was like this. Abusive, never took responsibility for her actions, etc.

I was the victim of domestic abuse. But I left. I had two kids and made $24K per year. I put myself through law school and now make $160K per year.

YOU CAN LEAVE AND YOUR LIFE CAN BE WHAT YOU WANT IT TO BE.

I was in an abusive relationship from the age of 15 until 19. I wasn't beaten down physically, but emotionally and psychologically. There were a few instances of grabbing and pushing but luckily it never got worse than that.

He was my first love and I was extremely naive and insecure. He called me every name in the book and punished me for talking or even looking at another male in class. I could easily write a book on the whole experience and the emotions I went through. It wasn't until six months after the relationship ended that I realized I was in an abusive relationship.

I was so ashamed and didn't tell anyone about the horrible ways he treated me. Over time, I began to fight back and would give him a taste of his own medicine. That is when I began to feel more empowered and in control. We still continued to fight and disrespect one another. We were addicted to eachother.

A part of me is grateful I endured those horrendous 4 years because I am 100% certain that it will never happen again. I have a great, healthy sense of self and it would be impossible to let anyone beat me down emotionally.

I think everyone including teenagers and teachers need to be educated on this issue because it is so much bigger than I thought it was. I had no clue there were stories out there just like mine and in many cases even worse. This epidemic needs to stop, it is absolutely heartbreaking.

A married female friend with one child, 5 years old, showed up at my door a number of years ago in tears. Her husband had gone into a verbal fit because she had not cleaned out some boxes that they had agreed she would clean out and ordered her out of the house. She stayed awhile, crying the entire time and left to go home to him. I was shocked! First I didn't know what to say. I knew them through my religion. Why she would go back and endure more verbal abuse and heaven knows what else?

The next time I saw him, he apologized for her! I knew he was really screwed up. And again I thought "Why are you staying? You are college educated and have held excellent jobs in the past?" I know now she much have zero self worth.

A few years later in a group of seven adults and two children (and that encluded his own daughter and nephew) he lit into me over some little point. I don't know why I was shocked. If he'd do it to his own wife, why didn't I think he'd do it me? His wife did not defend me and neither did anyone else. My own husband was not there. No one wanted to get involved. That's what is wrong with the world. Needless to say, I'm not much interested in these relgious people anymore.

i was a victim of abuse too. and i also blame myself for not keeping my mouch shut. the only difference is that we have a child together, and the sad part of this is that 90% of the fights took place in his presence. two times he went to jail, and i went right back to him. once i had to get stiches under my eye. but i felt like it was my fault. he constantly cheat it on me, and he did not do anything nice for me. no taking me out, no buying me nothing. but i meet him very young and like you i come from a background where he marry after sex. he was my first love, and i couldnt let go. now we been broken up for a couple of months and i find myself lonely and very depressed. i wish i can move on, we havent have any contact in a while but i feel lonely. i just wish i can find happiness. and everyone tells me im better off, but at the end of the day i find myself raising a child alone and tired, depressed.

I just left a man who I was in abusive relationship with for three years. I met him in high school. We used to "play" fight which didn't take long to really fighting. I always blamed myself because I was usually the one to throw the first punch. However, the last time he beat me I did nothing to provoke him. I finally called the cops and he went to jail. He just recently got out, and we live in a small town so it is hard to avoid him. We also have many mutual friends. It is hard to stay away from him, and he keeping thinking of what could have been. A few days ago though I had an epiphany. He will never change. I did nothing wrong that is the just the way he is. It was the most challenging experience of my life. I am grateful that I am only twenty years old and have learned to stay away from those that can't handle their emotions.

I have a similar story to the one you shared in this article. That is, with the exception that I was the victim of domestic violence at an early age – my father beat me several times from the age of 8 to 17 for little infractions in the household rules or using bad language. It stopped when I was 17 becuase I fought back – he came after me one night and I attacked back. I used every bit of my energy that night – some defensively, some offensively. I came out of it with a bloody nose, busted lip, black eye, and many bruises, but it stopped. That was also the first time damage was done to my face where I couldn't hide it easily and the first time I finally told someone what had been going on for close to 10 years. My mom always knew – she used to tell me that if I did tell someone, then she wouldn't want me living in her home...so I never spoke a word till that day.

In 2003, 3 years later, I fell madly in love with a man who already had a small child. I moved in with him – something you just don't do in my family unless you are married. When my family came down on us for that decision, we quickly raced to get married and I thought it was "forever". We soon found out we were pregnant, which did not sit well with my husband. After only 3 weeks of marriage, the abuse started. At first it was a slap becuase I wouldn't clean. Then all out assaults becuase I questioned him about staying out all night with his friends and, at times, another woman. I didn't want to leave becuase my family doesn't approve of divorce. I also didn't want to drastically change the lives of his son and my unborn child. After months of abuse, sometimes with him waking me up at night, I finally suffered a breakdown. I was told I was worthless and "fat" by my husband, his family and friends for gaining weight with my pregnancy (all of 10 pounds) and not keeping the house to my husband's wishes. I had no where to go – my family wouldn't let me come home and I didn't have the monetary means to support myself. My sister-in-law convinced me to go to the hospital and seek help. She sat with me at the hospital for hours holding my hand until I was admitted to an inpatient care facility. I was told I was a classic "battered woman" after years of abuse.

I am now the proud momma to a 4-year-old little girl and am living with my parents. My divorce was horrible with my ex-husband continually threatening physical violence and to take my daughter forcebly from either the hospital at birth or from my home. He even filed a claim that I was threatening to harm our child with DFACS in retailiation for my reluctance to allow him to take her for a week long visit when she was only 4 days old. My marriage only lasted 3 months before that breakdown, but it was another 2 and a half years before our divorce was finalized – every step of the process included my ex-husband exuding what little control he thought he had over me. He even agreed to a mediation agreement, but wouldn't sign the final papers for more than a year. Even in court the day our divorce was finalized, he continued to protest the divorce in front of the judge and its terms that were identical to those in the mediation agreement.

He has since had another child with the woman he used to stay out all night with and has been accused of beating her as well for similar reasons. He lost two jobs due to physical violence and is now "unemployable" by most standards. My ex left the state and did not contact us for almost 2 years – which I loved. He since joined the military and has calmed down considerably. He has even made attempts to really be a dad for our child. However, when I wouldn't operate by his rules and wanted to stick to the custody agreement the judge enacted, he went back to his old ways with threats for my safety and our daughter's. Of course, now I know my true worth, and know that my daughter already survived domestic violence before she was even born – I will never let her go through that again and am standing my ground towards my ex. I wish that I had reported his threats and the violence I experienced years ago – that is a mistake I will not make again for the sake of my daughter, myself, and any woman who ends up with my ex in the future!

I was married to an abuser for 15 years. I think I was one of the lucky ones since about 4 years into our marriage I had occasion to call the police on him. He took a good look at himself that night, and he didn't much like what he saw. He never touched me again in anger, but I never quite regained my trust in him. He acknowledged that when we divorced, and we are better friends now than we were when we were married.

I was in a relationship with an abuser. Everything was fine until I agreed to marry him. Before I knew it, he was extremely controlling and jealous, pointing guns at my head, chasing me in his car and trying to run me off the road, beating me, cutting my phone lines, leaving expensive gifts on my doorstep one day and threatening to kill me the next, and so much more. The danger and the dramas were non-stop.

I had to change my name and move to a distant state to get away from him. He sent desperate-sounding letters to a relative's address for 15 years, and called my friends and anyone he could think of to try and trick someone into giving him information.

It was shocking to me that even though I told everyone how dangerous he was, people still felt sorry for him. Some felt it was romantic that he carried a torch for me so long. Some envied me my apparent ability to be so unforgettable. Sometimes they did help him.

He didn't give up on me until was I finally figured out how to put a stop to it. He was in the military. That's why he got away with what he did to me, but also why putting it in writing to his commanding officer and the base commander made him stop. He's in his 60s now. Probably not so much the young lion he once was anyway. I learned how to handle myself from this experience. I learned how to fight back. I found a happy life in time.

Why do women stay? I can't answer that question. I can say that for me, trying to get away was extremely hard and dangerous, and it seemed forever before I felt free. It can happen to anyone.

–L

I really do not understand the world today. I was involved with a guy who I had no idea he had a darkside, but i knew he was very jealous. When he finally did show me that side by raising his hand to me I told him that was it because I knew he would eventually hit me.One night he got me and took me to a hotel room and tried to kill me from aprox 9-10 pm until 4 am in the morn.I had bruises around my neck and on my chin from where he repeadedly choked me out over and over again.He now has 2 warrants but they are only charging him w misdemeanors. Do u have to be famous or in some kind of law enforcement for the charges to be a feloney. I mean come on he tried to kill me and admitted it, I have recorded conversations w him stating he would cut my throat cut out my eyes if he could not have me . Kill my kids blow my house up....Even actually came to my house and in my house and had guns and knives on him. I dont understand I am also human I may not be famous etc. but I am human. He still calls my phone and sends messages that he is coming to get me and when he does i will not see Alabama again. Does a regular person have to die before u can get charged with attempted murder??In my eyes that is what he should get. He tried to kill me there is no in between!!!!!So, why am I any different and this state or sity im in only thinks of that as misdemeanor warrants?

This Chris Brown mess looks to me like the OJ situation in the earliest stages. The law needs to get it nipped in the bud!!!

All of my partners were physically abusive. From high school through two marriages and one more 4 year relationship. I quit relationships at age 58. I was in therapy at age 50 for sexual abuse as a child. I seemed to associate violence with love. My therapist worked with me for 2.5 years. I learned a lot and began to see myself as a person that would do any thing in order to not be abandoned. That feeling was very powerful. All relationship problems were my fault and I didn't mind that because I could change myself, but there were always probems.

I was secluded, degraded, mutilated and all the rest of it, including hospitals. Just after my therapy I got involved with a person and I wanted to make an agreement with them, that there would never be any violence. I felt good bringing up that topic because I was doing something for me for a change. I was standing up for myself. I was going to win.

After two years I was struck in the face and received a cracked cheek bone. People rushed to help me and wanted to call the police. I said no, that I was going to be ok. I really had to laugh at myself , then I cried. I walked away from that relationship and promised myself to never get involved again. I am 62 years of age, I live alone and am quite happy. I am free, and my name is David and I do not date or live with women any more. Sadly enough, my story is very true.

When I go for a walk I will see older couples holding hands I look at them, I wonder if he is really happy, I never ask them of course. But how would I know? I sometimes try to figure out how or what could I have done to change things back then. I certainly didn't want my life to end like this being alone. I still try, and that reminds me to not go there.

I have a terminal illness now so I won't have to figure things out much longer. I'm not angry at any of my partners, I just have a deep sadness that I allow myself to feel once in a while, but only when I am alone.

To keep it short. I was married at the age of 16 yrs old to a man who beat me at least 3 times a week. He would wouldn't touch my face because he was the son of a preacher and we would have to attend church and I school. It escalated and the years progressed. He started burning me with irons, blackeyes,cutting me with knives and raping me. I left on a on throughout the years but at the age of 19yrs old I planned a escape. I packed my baby's bag and left everything. It was the end for me "I thought". He raped me, beat me and had my 1 yr old beating taking part of it. I was pregnant with his 2nd child and wasn't going to keep it. I prayed about it and kept him. I went through a shelter and got back on my feet. A year later he's back after the protected and restraining orders because he wants access to his wife and kids. I tried to give him a chance thinking that counseling had changed him. Only a few months later he kidnapped me, stabbed my little brother 28 times and left him for dead. In saying all this I've learned the hard way. Yes people can change some (very few) due but it always wind up in death or bodily injury in some kind of way. My little brother was 13 years old at the time and by the grace of God he lived. I've moved on an is now 28 years old. I am a testimony to young women everywhere.

Awesome comeback remark when he said he didnt know how good he had it

Bless you for sharing the story....

I was a victim of Domestic Violence, it took me approximately 7 years to realize it, I spent part of my 20's in a relationship were I was the caused of everything, "I'm sorry's" were common.... only to get worse, I have a beautiful and healthy boy from this relationship and he helped me in realizing that it wasn't going to get better, I didn't want anything to happen to him. Rihanna is one of millions of women and children who are beaten up, every 15 seconds a women is beaten up. As a woman the support needs to be unconditional, no matter what is her decision, going back with this monster or not.

In any and all of life's situations: the first time you are a victim,the second time and thereafter you become a volunteer. Stay this route and eventually you will become a cadaver. I'm not blaming the victim, but enough is enough! Free will and choice belong to everyone.
I am soooo sick and tired of hearing about this Chris Brown/Rhianna nonsense. You can't make a person do what you think is the right thing. She is setting an extremely bad precedence for abused persons, male or female, everywhere.
I am also not in favor of radio stations not playing his music or people offended when his music is played. If you can separate the escapades of Michael Jackson and R.Kelly from their music/talent, then there is no need to stop me from listening to a CD I already own.

I was married for 6 years to an abusive man. I saw the red flags very early on when out of a very small argument, three weeks into our relationship, he punched a hole in my wall of the Greenwich Village apartment I adored; my first apartment I had on my own. Thus, the dance began. After he punched the hole in my wall, he told me it was over and that he couldn't be with me because he could somehow see that I could "make him get this angry and do things like this.". Right from the start he set it up so that I was begging HIM for forgiveness and begging him to stay.

This cycle was to go on and get worse over the years. What isn't addressed I notice in the media regarding domestic abuse is that one of the biggest reasons woman stay is because in their minds, they actually love this person and as in my case, the abuse wasn't every day. I couldn't understand why I should leave this person because of some incidences that lasted less than 2 minutes in contrast to ALL THE WONDERFUL AND LOVING TIMES WE SHARED. Crazy-thinking, I know.

We got married within a year of meeting and were both musicians. This was a huge bonding mechanism for us (at least for me). He was very involved with helping me get my career off the ground and by this point, you have to understand, as with any relationship, an EMOTIONAL ATTACHMENT takes place. But I ignored the fact that I was constantly walking on eggshells. I chose to look the other way, when he began hitting ME instead of walls or doors. I definitely looked the other way when the emotional abuse set in in the form of threatening to leave the marriage every six months. I'd beg and plead with HIM NOT TO LEAVE ME and once again, the merry-go-round would continue.

He NEVER fully took responsibility for what he did. Never. He used to say things to me like, 'See, this is why I need to leave you - look what you make me do" type of manipulative statements.

And here's the thing. I believed him. Like the writer of the essay, I too, "had a mouth on me". Always have, always will. I say what's on my mind. I'm opinionated. I'm outgoing. And somehow, this became the reason (or one of the reasons) I "deserved" to be brought back to "reality".

But I have to say, the very worst part of the whole experience was when I FINALLY got the courage to press charges. It had been over 5 years of this and we got into a very minor argument. We were living in a loft with an upstairs sleeping area. I don't remember what was said, but the next thing i knew, I couldn't see out of my left eye and there was blood EVERYWHERE - all over the bed. I couldn't see the far side of our loft space out of that eye. I then realized he threw our cordless phone at me and (I'm sure to HIS surprise), it hit me in the lower-left corner of my left eye.

I can remember he ran up the stairs to our bedroom with ice in a towel and then left. HE ACTUALLY WENT TO THE STORE TO REPLACE THE PHONE BEFORE TAKING ME TO GET MEDICAL CARE!

Something happened to me while he was at the store buying the phone. It was almost a spiritual experience. See, I knew for a fact that if I were to make him take me to the hospital, he would end our marriage. Before, that thought was so terrifying to me (again, we LOVE these people), I wouldn't have done that - but not this time. I KNEW I had to end the madness.

When he got back I told him we were going to the hospital (I didn't drive, he did and we would have to get to Manhattan quickly as we were living in Brooklyn at the time) and that he was definitely taking me to the hospital.

I actually went along with him when we drove over the Williamsburg Bridge and we concocted some story that I can't even remember now as to why my eye was in the condition it was in - again, I was going to protect him.

Well, guess what? The hospital didn't believe me. the social worker there didn't believe me, the administrative staff didn't believe me. I was questioned privately for a long time. Several times. I had to have surgery on my eye. I was told I came VERY close to losing sight and it was amazing that I didn't. It took about three weeks, but after many discussions with social workers, etc, I did indeed press charges. By the way, he only got three years probation.

After about 14 hours at St. Vincent's, we drove back over the bridge - back to the loft. On the way back, he said his infamous words, "do you see what you make me do?". Again, I believed it, somehow. We never spent another night together again.

He actually left the second we got back, took the dog and some clothes and went to his mother's on the other side of Brooklyn. The kicker for me was many of our mutual friends TOOK HIS SIDE and basically stopped talking to me. As if I was the bad guy in the scenerio. I'll never forget one person we knew for years, someone I thought was my friend and cared about me saying, "well, Mary, you know you can be 'loud' and demanding. I"m not saying what he did was right, but you need to look at that about yourself".

So for a VERY long time I really believed that it "took two" in an abusive situation and that if I wasn't so "demanding" or "kept quiet" enough, his behavior wouldn't have manifested in a physical way.

There is a lot of ignorance out there and I think the biggest is that deep down, people believe that something "triggered" the abuser to commit his crimes. I have since learned that isn't the case AT ALL.

THERE IS NO EXCUSE, REPEAT AFTER ME, NO EXCUSE FOR ANYONE TO HIT YOU, BELITTLE YOU, EMOTIONALLY ABUSE YOU - EVER!!!! I don't care how "mouthy" you are, or how "opionated" you are, or how "demanding" you are. The issue is with the abuser.

I recently heard he is remarried. I pray he has gotten the help he needs. I pray for this woman. Abusers spin the truth, so I am sure she doesn't know the entire story or very much of it at all. During our marriage I never told anyone (amazingly) and it actually made it easy for him to make it look like a "one time deal".

I'll never forget the Brooklyn DA telling me that the rate for batterers to "rehabilitate" is very, very small. God, I hope his new wife is O.K.

I am a counselor who has worked in domestic violence. Perpetrators of domestic violence have learned to use their skills to gain power. It's not about love, it's about power. Their intentions are methodical and calculated. They know EXACTLY what they are doing. They are able to identify even a small, insignificant sorce of vulnerabilty in another person and exploit/manipulate it. There are warning signs. Many websites and local shelters offer counseling, information, and protection. PLEASE DON"T HESITATE, DON'T THINK TWICE, AND DON'T BELIEVE THE PERPETRATOR WILL CHANGE. Learn the MO, learn the warning signs. GET OUT OF THE RELATIONSHIP! Also do NOT go to counseling with your perpetrator. He/she will only beat you up when you get home. Don't kid yourself, this is a life or death situation. And the effect on any chidlren in the home is awful. YOU WON'T BE ALONE AND PEOPLE WILL HELP YOU. Don't let finances or family pressures or anything keep you from getting your power back!

It is unfortunate that many women, and some men suffer domestic abuse without knowing where to find help. I served as Chief of Police in Birmingham, Alabama and now serve as a court advocate for the YWCA's Domestic Violence Services program. Our crisis hotline number is (205) 322-9922, the statewide Domestic Violence hotline number is 1-800-650-6522, and the National hotline number is
1-800-799-7233. I lost a relative to domestic violence. Please seek assistance and follow the professional guidance before it's too late.

I was a victim of domestic abuse by my children's father and it continued for six years. He was the child of an alcoholic father and had witnessed his father beating his mother. Because I was raised in a single parent home, I guess I was looking for some man, any man to love me. My mother tried talking to me repeatedly about why I would let this man do these things to me and I, for the life of me, could not answer her. It took years to build up my self-esteem to finally say, I want out of this relationship. He stalked me, threaten me, and even raped me, but I had had enough. It took a lot of soul searching on my part to close this chapter in my life. I've emerged a stronger, better person.

I have had a best friend for over 30 years. She is a talented, intelligent, wonderful woman. About 4 years ago she married a man who later tried to kill her by strangulation. He was sentenced to over a year in prison. After he was released, she allowed him back in to her life..."she just needed to know he was ok". She now will no longer respond to my calls or emails. I have told her that I am concerned for her safety, however I have always been there for her. I'm devistated that she thinks this man is now ok! He had also spent 5 years in prison for molesting his daughter several years ago & lied about his past.She did not know this when she married him. She now even is in denial about this, insisting that a mistake was made. I believe he is isolating her from me. I feel incredible grief with the lose of her. Any suggestions?

I was married to an abusive man and because of religious reasons wasn't allowed to divorce him. I wish I had the strength to turn my back on those 'beliefs' for the sake of my life and sanity, but I didn't and I endured being kicked and beaten in the street, in the house, in front of his family. I'm at work right now and I cried when I read about Rihanna....my heart really goes out to her because I was the same age and my husband was my first love and physical relationship. He was my everything. No woman (or man) should ever have to go through that. It affects you for life!!! One guy I dated a year or so ago, grabbed me in anger and that was THE END. I do not speak to him, text him – NOTHING. Right now, I have this very strong urge to go and speak to a crowd of abused women (men) – letting them know they can do it – they can make it without these jerks. Everyone isn't like that.

When I was in my early 20s, I was in a relationship with a man who had a jealous streak. One day we had a fight because I came home to find that he had opened up my mail. I had nothing to hide from him and told him that if he wanted to read my mail, all he had to do was ask. He grabbed me by my shoulders and shoved me against a wall. I looked him straight in the eye and told him to never do that again. Then I packed an overnight bag, left, and never came back. Called him the next day and told him to leave. That was over 30 years ago and I have never spoken with or seen him since. I figured if he shoved me against a wall, then it would just get worse. I wasn't going to wait around to see if things escalated. My parents never beat each other or my siblings and me, so I was not going to put up with that crap. Thank goodness my parents raised strong kids! If Rhianna goes back to that jerk, she will probably regret it. They both need counseling.

I too was a victim of physical, verbal and emotional abuse. I too was from a loving family – my parents were each other's best friend – my father a perfect gentleman. After years of being in a relationship that turned abusive, I wondered what is wrong. Why would that man I grew to love want to hurt me. What was I doing that made him flip into a monster. I would blame myself, try to convince myself if I'd only do this or only do that, he would become the loving man again that I grew to love. He would constantly tell me to listen to him, do what he says, maybe I would find out he was right about everything. Although I would try my best to do everything he wanted, his way, it still wasn't enough my attempts were not good enough (at the same time, he would make no effort to change – told me I needed to show him). He continually hit me, kicked me, spit in my face, called me vile names, etc. – I think I experienced everything possible – I began to believe he would kill me if he thought he would get away with it. It was hard to leave him – I was in love and I thought I could help him overcome this personality of abuse. I finally found out I couldn't help him – couldn't change him – he wouldn't even address the subject. Yes, it is hard to escape from emotional feelings no matter how hard it gets, but the best thing you can do for yourself and others is – TAKE CARE OF YOURSELF – BE TRUE TO YOURSELF – LISTEN TO THAT INNER VOICE. You'll find you've never been happier once you let that load go – just let it go. Today I am happy, and am loved – what I lived through before was not love – not in any one's opinion but my own.

Great story.............. all the best.

Wow thanks for sharing your story. That was powerful!!! It was nice to hear from a firsthand source what abused woman goes through. Lucky for you, you found a way out. For some women/ young girls its not so easy. It amazes me when people say, "If it were me I would leave!! or Why would she stay?" But people never dig below the surface. Thanks again for sharing your story

With Rihanna supporting Chris, she is stating by her actions that his behavior was justified. It's okay because he loves her. What!
Wake up!
This is the problem the police have with D.V., many women don't want helped. Why? Fear and finances, maybe. Who knows, each relationship is different.

I hope the police use him as an example. This is BAD BEHAVIOR and should not be tolerated by anyone especially by teen idols!. If she wasn't dating him and recieved this kind of beating from a stranger would she accept it and refuse to press charges?

This is sending a horrible message to the younger generation. If they claim to "love" you then it's okay how they treat you. BS

I do not hit the people I love, and I don't teach my children that they must be hit before they can believe it's really love.

What's wrong with this picture?

If the person is not patient, kind, or tender ( even when they are mad about something) you can pretty well say that the love the feel is questionable.(Love that make's any one hurt isn't a good form of love it is usually and addiction or infatutation).
I get angry at people but I dont beat them bloody to make them do or think what I want them do!

Rihanna wake up!

To all of you who shared your stories, thank you. I know it took a lot of courage for many of you to blog about your experiences. Even thirty years after my abusive relationship ended, it can still be painful to think about. A lot of people will say I need to "grow up", but no one deserves to be beaten. Things happen in relationships, we all get angry, but constant beatings and degrading of one's partner can't be anything but wrong. If this blog has helped just one person think about walking away from an abusive relationship, than it has done its job. Again, thank you for such a huge response. Val

Shannon – I think you know the answer to your question. Yes, it is abuse. This man is abusing you in numerous ways, limiting your contacts, controlling your behaviour, slapping you. IT WILL ONLY GET WORSE. If you do nothing for a long time, you may find yourself so depressed and beaten down that you can't act. Keep talking to your friends, family and get some counselling. Please do this quickly.

Thank you everyone for sharing your stories. I really needed to hear them right now. I've just left a bad relationship, where the cops had to be called several times. He's been calling me and writing me telling me how sorry he is. It's been a year since he put his hands on me. But when we were together he would say the cruelest things to me when he was drunk. Naturally later he would tell me he was sorry and it was the alcohol and that's not who he really is.
Yeah right. He's gotta blame something because he's certainly not going to look at himself. Any way he's threatened to kill himself, and to make up lie's and call childrens services on me. In the end he started saying cruel things about my son.
After he said those things I thought to myself "What kind of a sick S.O.B would say something like that about a child?" Whats to stop him from hurting my son?
Thank you for your stories, they have made me see that my ex-may be more dangerous than I had realized. Luckily he's not allowed on the property where I live and he's on probation so it's automatic jail time for him if he comes near us. I think I need to stop being lazy and change my phone number like I planned.

I too was in an abusive relationship for 4 and a half years he never abused me physically but he did our youngest daughter, he abused me emotionaly and mentally and he had so much control over me through his abuse that i was unable to see what he was doing to our youngest daughter. although it was not my fought i have always blamed myself i lost everything because of him, i lost my freedom and i lost my children aswell as all my friends as none of them had seen what he was doing to me. i am now getting councilling and getting my self control back the only thing i can't get back is m children as they were adopted. i have written a few poemsto show my feelings and i'd like to share this one with you all.

Domestic Abuse

Domestic abuse,
What is it?
It's violence towards you,
And so much more,
There's emotional abuse,
What do you mean?
I hear you ask,
I mean they play on your emotions,
They tell you,
Your not worth anything,
And so much more.
There's mental abuse,
And what is that you ask,
It's where they get into your head,
They control you,
And make you feel,
Feel like you can't cope,
Not without them,
They blind you,
Nt physically,
But so you can't see,
See the real them,
See what their doing,
Doing to you and your children.
How do you know so much you ask,
I know all this,
Because it happened,
To me and my children,
DON'T LET IT HAPPEN TO YOU!

Alcohol is only a sober mans hidden or unspoken words. It is only an excuse. I ran from Arizona to Oregon and Texas to get away from an abuser. I was worth it and I'd do it again.

Love does not cause broken bones, stiches, or bruises.
It the above in happening in the name of love maybe someone needs a new dictionary.

Leaving an abusive relationship is never easy but it is worth it, I don't have to check someone elses emotions before I speak, and I am allowed to make mistakes.
Listen to the song Unwritten, Natasha Bettingfield, I think, it's a great inspiration for anyone thats starting over.

It's not about how many times we fall but moreso its about how many times do we get back up!

Stories like all of these are what gives us hope – we are not alone. It is easy for people to say what we should do, what we should say, etc., but until you are in the shoes of a victim from abuse, no one knows what we experience. It is so hard to walk away – we have so many feelings of guilt because we do not want to fail. Remember that we are all winners and we are all survivors. For each of you that believe that you will not find another that loves you or charms you or cares for you like the abuser – believe me, it is not love they are giving you in return for all the love you give them. They are the ones with the low self esteem that need to use their power to stroke their egos. We have no positive place in their lives and we all know that what they are giving us is not positive for our happy well being. Keep writing ladies – it is what gives us hope and calms us internally. We are strong, we are wonderful human beings. Remember you are loved!!!!!

Reading these stories made me both mad and sad at the same time. Mad because these women (and a few men) chose (yes it's a choice) to remain in an abusive relationship and make excuses for the abuser's behavior. Sad that they lacked any self-esteem to remain single or be pickier of the mate. I've never been in an abusive relationship by choice (I'm in my late 30's) – I'm very picky of the men I date because my parents have taught me to choose men with good character and to discard those who have the slightest character flaw. The signs of the person's character are there if we open up our eyes and not let our heart blind us by a person's appearance and smooth words. Observe the person's actions and the way that person speaks on a normal basis (not when they're being lovey dovey). At the first sign if this person degrades and doesn't keep their word and more importantly lies, get out!! It's not worth it to be with an untrustworthy person – don't give them the opportunity to show more of their true colors.

Wow, to the power of the women and men I do agree men are a growing in numbers of domestic violence. The whole grow up theory its not what women in that situation need hear. The thing is they are bein told that daily grow up, your stupid, you will never make it on your own, and the whole first time their fought second time your fought let me tell you im educated, smart but that power and fear, I spent nightly a gun to my head on my knees with threats (that I believed) of killing me and my children they werent his and he had made true to putting a gun to their head if wernt for their dad who knows, so before you become so sure its that easy try to understand sometimes it takes a plan, I went to shelter and was given a plan, find safest place to go if he gets out of control, hide cell phone that dont work to call 911, talk to neighbors i did it and you know what if with the felony charge to this day I still am hiding, running, he still looking and threating to kill me, so when approciating this subject help is there but, it can fell.

I feel for this story as I was also in a very abusive relationship. I now have a metal implant in my shoulder because of it. Women stay for many reasons. I stayed because I was terrified that he would kill me or hurt my family. I put up with such abuse for over two years. My heart just aches for Rihanna when I heard this story. I really hope she finds it in herself to leave that maniac because no one deserves that type of treatment.

I am in a relationship that is psychologically and emotionally abusive. When I first identified that what was happening was not normal and was in fact very damaging to myself and could be labelled 'abusive' I felt immense shame. I am smart, well-educated, from a loving (but not problem-free) family and a middle-class background, with good friends. I also identify as a feminist. I felt that women like me (i.e. not poor, not uneducated, not from a bad family, 'empowered') were safe from abuse, so somehow I must be doing something that made me deserve the abuse. I realize now that this is not the case. My boyfriend and I are now talking openly about the abuse and how we can stop it. I'm not sure if this is manipulation or genuine. However, I am slowly realizing that I do not deserve to be abused, maligned or put-down. I believe that women who stay with their abusers frequently believe that they must somehow deserve the abuse, otherwise they wouldn't stay. If a friend had done this to me, I doubt I would have thought twice about ending the friendship.

Liz, I feel your fear. So many people can not see what Domestic Violence does to victims and survivors. He is going to beat her again. My god I will pray for her. I'm sure you will agree with me that, the memory of your horrible abuse will live with you for the rest of your life. I am a survivor and I have seen the light at the end of the tunnel. I am blessed, I have my group sisters and my supporters from Women In Transition. I pray she get's help.

Rhiana is setting a Bad example to young women. She is showing that it's ok to put up with that behavior(phycsical or verbal abuse). She should not be endorsing Cover girl Either. I just hope she getting counseling.

I was brought up in an abusive home. Not violently, but mentally. I have very low self-esteem and I have tried for fifty-five years to come out of it. The men I have been with have all been abusive to me, either physically or mentally. I've been strangled many times, beaten with martial arts, sat at the end of a sawed off shotgun, raped repeatedly and held in bondage. I am educated in many fields and have a high IQ; but, I cannot further myself in any field because of my low self-esteem. I am in an abusive marriage now, mentally and verbally abusive. I stay because my pastor says I have to, I have had a liver transplant and he holds the insurance and I need my appointments and meds taken care of. Sometimes he can be nice and helpful and it makes for a confusing marriage.

Thank you so much for the article and for sharing your experience, there are hundreds if not thousands of women out there that for one reason or another, are reluctant to leave an abusive relationship. I myself saw my mother be punched and slapped by my father. One day the screaming was driving me and my brother crazy, and we stepped out of our rooms to see my mother get punched and knocked to the floor. I still remember my mother's face when she looked up and saw us, it was shock?fear?dawning realization? whatever it was, she picked herself off the floor and proceeded to punch the crap out of my father in the face. Split his lip wide open. And then she called the police. I trembled with fear as they came and handcuffed him. I loved him but my mind fought with the right and wrong of the situation. I was only 8.
The effect of domestic violence is extremely hard and painful for the children; they are torn apart in 3 different directions: loyalty to mom, to dad, and knowing that hiding the incident out of shame or having the police get involved means something is seriously wrong.
My dumb *ss didn't realize my mom beat him up in front of us to undoe the damage us kids saw. A lot good it did, my very first boyfriend at age 16 was 5 times worse then my father. being malnutritioned and ignored or beaten or raped, i got pregnant then miscarried at 6 months. My mom begged me to return home after that, but remembering my father's anger and his kicking me out of the house, I felt it was my "burden" and "duty" and love would overcome all. "to love is to sacrifice" was my motto. I regret ever letting it continue after the first slap, I would have my 8 yr old little girl right now beside me if I hadn't been so scared.
I also recently left a psychotic cheating husband who later assaulted me in the middle of the street because I changed our daughter's bedtime from 9 to 8 pm.(she was 5 at the time, falling asleep in school but god forbid I try to undermine his authority!) Thanks to him being manipulative and a chronic liar, I have had to battle in court for 2 years for full custody, and its still not over.
I'd rather be alone than put up with trying to figure out the psychos from the real men!

Rhinna has set a VERY bad example for young women. Chris VIOLENTLY beat her! This was not a case of a slap on the face and Chris realizing...OMG, what have I done... and immediately stopping. No, he went on to beat and beat her over a long period of time. It is clear, and very unfortunate, that Rhinna is already in the cycle of an abused woman and Chris WILL DO THIS AGAIN if she takes him back.
In order to stop the vicious cycle of abuse, the woman MUST stop it the very first time it starts. Pack your bags, move quickly to the closest shelter, and seek help as to why you think it is ok for you to be treated in such a way. It is NEVER ok. You must have enough self-respect to never allow a man, woman, child or friend to abuse you in any way, shape or form. You are a human being and cannot be abused by an animal.
And, if you have children, OMG leave at once! You CANNOT subject your child to such abuse and you cannot allow your child to see that it is ok for someone to do that to you.

Abuse leads to death and he has already told her what he would do to her. This is very serious coming from personal experience and I am praying for her that she gets out of this and comes out a winner but as for Chris, he is a sad little boy and needs to get some help. I am sad and just fe el bad for her because she obviously has low self esteem and probably feels that he is the best that she can do. Riahanna, get out and get some healing.

To Dedrienne:

Unfortunately, your assessment of the abusive relationship reeks of ignorance. Visit your local Shelter For Abused Women, if you wish to have a better understanding of the cyclical patterns of an abusive relationship or wish to help someone finally rid themselves of an abusive partner.

To Marie:

Your comment shouldn't have been posted. You, clearly, haven't the foggiest idea of what you are talking about. Please, visit your local Shelter For Abused Women for insight into the cyclical patterns of an abusive relationship. SHAME? Those words are extremely inflammatory and quite frankly, lead me to the next question, one that you will learn, if you visit your local shelter. Are you an abuser? Perhaps, you should volunteer at your local Shelter For Abused Women. You might learn something about yourself.

I am a victim of abuse in a different way. My mother was abused by my stepfather on a fairly regular basis. He never hit my sister or me (accidently once for my sister when she happened to get between him and my mother in an effort to protect Mom. He was aiming for Mom but got Sis instead!). It has taken me most of my adult life to recover from this upbringing and to understand way my mother exposed us to this hurtful type of family life. Why didn't she leave? Why did he hit her? As an adult, I now realize my stepfather suffered from bi-polar disease and my mother had such low self-esteem she couldn't imagine living without a man in her life, even one who beat her up! While it took me a LONG time to recover, I can honestly say it made me a stronger woman and rather than falling into a trap that might have put me into some kind of abuse cycle, my mother's plight taught me to stand up for myself and no man has ever struck me, nor will they!

I lived with an abusive partner from the age of 19 through 23. I am now 33, and now have a great life, a Masters degree, my health, and a routine and friends I love. I still cry when I read stories such as these, because I still remember vividly being in that situation.

I initially wrote several paragraphs in response to this article, but realized I wasn't ready to "publish" my story as a comment. To the above women: I know what you went through. I think there are more of us than anyone knows. Most of my friends have no idea.

I agree with Kristi – yes – you are all deeply loved. And you have friends you have yet to meet, and those that believe in you, who don't even know you. And there are those that do know you, and believe in you, and you may not even know it. I know the injuries hurt, and they may hurt for a long time. Mine are going on 13 years. Yes, life is different now, than it was before I met him, but I am also stronger than I ever knew, and that knowledge, and maybe even wisdom is more empowering than I ever thought possible.

Take a deep breathe. Be careful. You deserve a place on this earth and you are wanted here. Seek out those that are kind. And trust in yourself. You are right. And, you are alright. XOXO

Does anyone have any useful information regarding protecting oneself from the inevitable "catch-22," that many Mother's face who stand by their children who have been abused? Often, "PAS," or Parental Alienation Syndrome is used against them and they often lose custody of the very children that were abused to the man that abused all of them!

As they are often left without any resources, many States-most notably Florida-then "stigmatize," the woman to legally take any newborns she births to gain Federal funding through the "Baby Trade," by putting the child with a "care-giver," work with an army of lawyers to have the child stigmatized as "medically needy," and then prematurely terminate parental rights to have the child adopted. (Bonuses are granted for "medically needy," and for "expeditious" adoption and "permanent placement," so long as it is not with a biological parent.) The Federal credits/funding granted the State for this triple-play is over $11,000 per child...how many infants does DCF seize from innocent Mother's monthly?

Right now a Mother is going to lose her son, in PBC, because her son aspirated meconium during labor...and she took her legally prescribed medication for her disability. The Fl. Statutes specifically State that this is legal...it is only logical, for if a Mother miscarries or dies...so does the fetus. DCF however has the power to seize without investigation, for instance looking at her Rx records or calling her Physician, and slander her without mercy or evidence.

Mr. Abramowitz...Mr. Wexlar...are there any true "family preservationists," willing to help?

Domestic violence often leads to a woman becoming stigmatized even when she does not follow the social model of becoming an alcoholic, or "drug abuser."

Frequently the news contains information about crimes of all sorts. We here in the U.S. are blessed with tons of information about health. Why not have a regular segment on mental health issues and ways to detect and address them. Perhaps it will stop some crime. We need to address more of the issues that tend to be leading causes of crime. By having documentaries and helpufull information about the sypmtoms, lifestyles and consequences perhaps we can educate the public and de-mystify and de-glorify crimes and criminals rather than desensitize ourselves to them.

Abusers are all about having power and control over their victums. The victums are the missing piece to the abusers personality. Abusers can't and are not able to have a normal loving relationship with any women or man. When a victum gets the psychological help they need and realize it is not their fault that the abuser is the way he or she is, she or he didn't deserve the abuse that the abuser did to them, they can then start to heal and will not put themselves in an abusive relationship again.

It needs to be acknowledged that leaving is fraught with difficulties.

I finally left my abuser, despite his threats, including the threat to take my daughter away from me. People said to me, "no way that unemployed deadbeat piece of crap can get custody."

Well, he did get custody. For 11 long years. My daughter's whole childhood. The courts didn't care what evidence I had or what I said. My daughter finally got out when SHE contacted a mandated reporter, who was required to contact Child Protective Services. They didn't get him on "abuse" per se (though there was plenty of that), but for maltreatment (house reeked of urine, animal feces and garbage everywhere, mildew on the walls, animal cages everywhere.)

Everybody piles on women for why you don't leave. But when you do, you will be called a liar who is trying to keep a loving daddy away from his kids. You will be called an alienator. Any evidence you have will be ignored. Abusers have great track records for getting unsupervised visitation or even custody because a lot of them call turn on the charm when they have to, and are skilled manipulators. Until you deal with the custody issues that have become a crisis in this country, I don't want to hear about women getting blamed for not leaving.

Thank you for your courage in sharing your story with all of us. Domestic violence is a health issue that is generally ignored and swept under the rug. But your honesty makes your post extremely effective. You write that many women remain in abusive relationships for many reasons, and in your case, you felt that you had done something wrong and deserved it. Given this psychological aspect, how do you think we can empower today’s girls and tomorrow’s women? What can we do to overcome this harmful mentality? Maybe sex ed classes in high school should cover domestic abuse and educate the youth of America about this suppressed issue. Later in your post, you mention that women may tend to find it harder to leave significant relationships because of societal expectations, and they blame themselves for speaking up or making their male partners mad. This situation clearly shows a need to reevaluate social norms and the roles of men and women in society. Since most abusers seek power in belittling others, the power dynamics in relationships are crucial in preventing abuse. The significance of dominance in their relationship warrants a redefinition of female roles and the empowerment of women everywhere. Looking to the news, what do you think of the Chris Brown-Rihanna situation, and the fact that they are reunited? Should Oprah do more than just warn Rihanna not to stay away from Chris? On a different note, it would also be helpful if you discuss domestic abuse with male victims and the unique issues they face. Nonetheless, your story really gives a voice to women who experience this everyday. Thank you again. Stay strong!

What happens when it is the woman who is the abuser? That is the situation I am in. I know I am an idiot for staying... but we have children and I prevent the worst from happening to them.

There needs to be more discussion about women who abuse their men. Many of these same women also cheat on their spouses, just like mine does.

If I could get full custody I would leave with the kids.

Why inthe heck are these white people trying to talk about a black issue I mean seriously get some black perspective on this case or they just need to drop it Yeah I know what he did to her was not right and he said he was sorry but to keep on talking about it is overkill. I mean if this were to happen with brad pitt and Angelina Jolie they would talk about it for a second and leave it alone but since its two black people they wanna publicate it as if it the juicyist sh** they have heard!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Isn't what he did just the same as what is preached in gansta rap? Remember to insist that your kids buy another CD...

This is in response to Liz who has written about the fact her sister, who like herself at one stage is in a violent relationship. I am overcoming the hurdles of getting out of my violent relationship now which has been going on for over 8 years. I had my daughter 7 months ago and it is only since she arrived that i have finally 'seen the light' and realised that if i dont get out of this relationship i will end up dead. I am heading towards that light at the end of the tunnel and i really know that this time i will get there because my daughter is worth it. (Hopefully one day I will regain some self esteem and start to live for myself also). I have been physically, emotionally and mentally abused for a long time. The worst incident resulting in me being tied up with duck tape, raped and head butted and held for 3 hours while my ex partner ranted and screamed in my face. That happened 3 years ago. I still didnt get out.

Over the years I lost friends and family who just could not understand why I always went back to this man and who themselves were emotionally drained from the worry and pain that it caused them. This of course just added extreme guilt (and still does) to the mixture of feelings I had. Family members would say 'why are you putting us through this hell'? and of course i could not explain why. I just couldnt get out. I was scared and so lost that it was eventually all i knew. My relationship was not about love it was about control. Once a happy out going and opinionated girl, i had turned into loosing complete control of my life. That was his aim.

All I would say to you Liz is please dont turn your back on your sister. It will make no difference how many times you tell her he is no good, she will stay in that relationship until she is ready to leave. She may go back to him again and again but the worst thing that you could do is turn your back. You need to be someone that she can turn to and talk to about what is happening without feeling shame or embarassment and without feeling she is letting you down 'yet again'. Never judge her on her decisions just support her. This in the long run will help as she will never feel that he is the only person she has left in her life. That is exactly what he wants, dont give it to him!

I have one fantastic friend who did just that. She sat and listened, never judged. Never thought i was stupid for putting up with it and more importantly she was able to take my mind off the nightmare my life had become. She would laugh with me and talk to me about trivial things. She was truely my angel who I believe (along with my little girl) saved my life.

This comment is kind of directed twards Shannon. You are in the same exact relationship I was in. It does'nt matter what you do, none of this is your fault. You could be flawless and he would still hit you and traet you unfairly. He has dominance issues and it'll only get worse. Rule # 1: You should never have to give up your friends for NO ONE! He has issues and this should be a red flag for any girl or woman who enters a relationship and is asked to do so. Rule # 2: Any man who goes out and lies about where he's at needs to grow up and does not deserve you. Especially if it's 4 in the morning. He has obviously was out drinking and possibly went home with someone ( and may be thinking your doing the same when you do not pick up the phone). And Rule # 3: If he ever hits you, it'll only get worse. Especially when he's grabbing you the way he is and getting mad for petty reasons. Most girls or woman think "He wouldn't of hit me if I didn't make him mad." That is the biggest load of **** that we could ever believe. Take a stand for yourself, and oh yeah, he will not kill himself. Most men are to selfish to do that. Just remember, he will kill you first before he kills himself. He's just trying scare tactics to keep you as his own punching bag because you stay around to accept it. He will continue this behavior as long as he has you to do it to. Next time he hits you or especially punishes you in your own home,,,,You call the police and get a EPO (emergency restraining order) and then ultimatly a restraining order. You really need to rid him of your life and do not accept him back. I wish I would of known this earlier because I lived with it for ten years, and I regret every time I stayed as he kicked the living S*** out of me. Don't make this crazy mistake I made. I beg you, get out now.

I am a survivor of domestic violence and watching this case unfold with Rihanna and Chris Brown is disheartening. We all believe that it will never happen to me, but when it does you are brought into a state of disbelief. For two years I went back and forth, believing his kind words, stating how he was "going to change." Things got better for a few months, showered me with gifts, but as time went by he went back to his old self. Many ask why does a woman go back? Many go back because they believe they can change a man, many blame themselves for the beatings, thinking they have provoked him, but in the end it has nothing to do with women. Domestic Violence is a disease and without a cure it going to spread like a wild fire from generation to generation. We are taught as women to stand by your man through thick and thin and many take that to heart, but from my experience I have learned that love doesn't hurt, love is kind and comforting, a place where one can feel safe like no other. Many of us know woman who are experiencing violence right now as we speak, but we have to realize that there is nothing we can do for them until they want to help them self first. All one can do is be there for them and make them realize that they deserve better. Most importantly make them realize that they are playing roulette with their life by staying in the relationship. The abuse will increase and become more intense. Your life is worth so much more and everyone deserves happiness.

This story is for anyone who is in a domestic violence relationship. My name is sandra. I was physically and emotionally abused by a man whom i did end up marrying. Yeah crazy I know I grew up in a home where my father not only abused my mom he also abused me and my younger brother. It is really easy to say just leave it is hard to do when you are scared of losing your life. At the time I had three children that was also very scarred by this situation.My mom is still with my father. My ex husband began beating me and punching me around before hand. I went through all the stages including the honey moon stage where he would cry and vowed to never hit me again and i believed because I thought I could love him enough it would stop. But it never did. After going through this for many years I did leave but you have to be very careful with your escape plan. In my case I pressed charges on him and he was arrested and I hoped that would give me a chance to leave. Well I did move and in the process of moving the next day thinking he was still incarcerated.I went back to get some last minute things out of my apartment. When he came into the apartment and began beating me and choking me and telling me that he was going to kill me. I think I was blanking in and out of consciousness. While pleading with him please I dont want to die my children needed me. I had never seen him ath this point of no return. What saved my life was his mom who had given him a ride over to the apartment said she felt something was wrong. When she came in and demanded him to stop doing what he was doing to me saved my life. I can tell you ladies that their is a life after abuse threw faith and belief. I am now married to a man who loves me and even with my baggage of my abuse. Is continuing to teach me love should not and will not hurt. Please GET OUT with a safe plan .And always believe in yourself to know when it is time to leave. I hope this story will touch anyone that is end in this situation. Sincerely sandra

this is about "what is a psychopath, what are the synthoms, how to recognize one, is it inherited, is there a cure?" The damage my husband, photographer Ernst, did before his death some 20 years ago continues in our children and my grandchild today, and other people.

@ Sarah I have to disagree with most of what you wrote. Your choice to stay in abusive relationship is just that – your choice. It is completely unfair to involve friends and family in that type of drama. They have ever right to walk away and live their lives – not be a hostage of your drama. I don't know if your daughter is the product of this 8 year relationship – if she is – well then you again made a choice to procreate with the loser. You chose to be a hostage in the situation. Don't assume it's ok to put that drama on others. It wouldn't happen if you had walked away but like many other posters you wouldn't because you loved him and he was sorry. Pathetic.

Thank you GF Los Angeles for your comments. I agree it was my choice to stay in an abusive relationship and at no point did i say that 'its ok to put the drama on others'. I simply wanted to outline how isolated victims of domestic abuse can feel, and that is exactly what we are 'victims'. The abuser will go out of his way to make sure that friends and family eventually slip away one by one. I question your understanding of domestic violence. You obviously have no first hand experience. I would assume your answer would be that you just wouldnt be that 'pathetic' to put up with an abusive partner. I would argue that it could happen to anyone and it is never the victims fault. In most cases as I did for years the last thing you will do is tell anyone about what is happening in your relationship because you are ashamed and scared of the consequences. If the victim does not speak up and confide in someone the risk that she will never be free of the abuser is even higher. And like you say, that person has the choice to listen and be there for the victim or indeed turn their back. Yes we all have choices but have you ever been in the situation where if you leave someone you are convinced that they will kill you but if you stay you may be able to just keep him calm enough to avoid another beating? Thats a pretty difficult choice to make i am sure you'll agree.

We all make choices. Like many of you I am a survivor of domestic violence. All of our experiences are similar, I though that maybe it was just me that gave up a son, family, friend and my life. Instead of rehashing what I have been trying to forget for 12 years I would like to offer hope and prayers. Please know that NO ONE deserves to be physically, emotionally or spiritually abused. Look inside yourself and find the light. Only you will know when it is time. The more everyone pushed me to leave the more determined I became to stay. IT HAS TO BE YOUR DECISION...MAKE THE RIGHT ONE before it is to late.

12 years of recovery for a man that wasted 5 precious years. The best part of him still loves me and that is all the love I need. The best part of him are my two boys. They are the light!

I wish you all well.

To: GF, Los Angeles, this is a person who did not asked to be abused, and it's because of people like you, who is not willing to support a relative or friend in this situation, that many women are killed, murdered, beaten up because they are ashamed, and afraid to talk about it. Please read a little bit more about Domestic Violence, and the affects in women, it will help you realize that we do not choose to be a hostage.

To Gabriela you may not have asked to be abused and no one asks to be abused but to stay with the abuser when he's hit you the first time – you have chosen to be continuously abused. To complain about it to your friends and family and ask them to support you in your decision to stay with the abuser is wrong. I'm disappointed CNN did not post my response to Sarah and I'm not going to rewrite it again. In short, I had an aunt that was physically and verbally abused and she chose to stay with her husband and disowned her brother and sister in the process. She chose to move away without telling us where she was going even though my mother and her brother sent her money over many years to support the 3 children she had with this loser since he refused to work. I refuse to be sucked into a friend or relative's drama because they have chosen to remain in an abusive relationship. You are a hostage of your own mind and no one else. Only you can free yourself. Crying on someone's shoulder does nothing unless you take action to either change it or stay in it.

As for Sarah, no I don't agree it's a difficult choice to make. Again I would leave the first time I'm hit much less insulted. I would never stay one more day much less years with a man like that for it to turn into that situation described.

p.s. you're all victims because you allow yourself to be one. Unless your physically restrained by chains or locked up in a room – you have no excuse not to leave.

Well said Gabriela.

Every day of my life I live in fear.....I am (so far) a survivor of domestic violence. He has broken into my house, tapped my phone, put spyware on my computers, tried to kill my parents (he cut the fuel line on my dads truck cause he knew they helped with teh our daughters so I can work and that they had a LARGE life insurance policy), lied to police saying I had had assaulted him (his injuries were self inflicted and his story kept changing so the officer drove me home from the jail in the front seat o the police car) , he used "spoofing" to make it look like the ER was calling me...he had just let me a message saying our daughter was deathly ill and he was on his way to the ER with her-only she was fine and thaty never let the house. AND this was after our divorce was final!!
My real clue came when he tried to take out a $500,000 lie insurance policy on me a month after our divorce was final.
Yet he still walks free. We were in court yesterday and he harassed me in teh courtroom and in the parking lot....
I look over my shoulder constantly. never knowing when he may appear and kill me.
I keep asking for help...begging....but he is so slick..so devious....he does so many things when no one is looking, or that no one can prove.
I have made out my will and instructed my attorney on what to do when he does finally get me. Until then I try to live my lie as normally as possible for my daughters.
I am a well educated proessional. I wanted to divorce him for a long time but I was scared of what he might do to me. 6 weeks ater we were married he was driving me to give birth to our 2nd daughter ( I married him because I had been injured in a car accident and I was scared and injured) He was yellling at me so hard he had to pull off the road.
But still I have no regrets...I have shown my daughters a different world for the last 18 months and if he kills me tomorrow at least I know I have a difference in their life.

@ Sarah and Gabriella I think you're both missing the point. No one asks to be abused whether it be the first time it happens or the 100th – the point is if you allow it to happen a second time and continue the relationship because you don't want to leave the man since you love him or you think he'll change because he says he will or whatever other excuse you come up with to justify your staying – you are a hostage of your own mind and a victim of your own inaction to change your circumstance.

I can only say that you are lucky that you have never been in such an awful situation, and I repeat, I question your understanding of the complex issue of domestic abuse. To GF and Melissa, you both made the assumption that I stayed in my abusive relationship because I loved him and he was sorry. That is simply not true. I was controlled through fear and intimidation from the abuser.

I think it is discusting that you have posted on here 'you are all victims because you choose to be one'. You are insulting many women who live through and who have survived domestic abuse. I am proud to have survived what I went through and having met many other survivors and shared experiences with them I have found them to be the most inspiring and STRONG women I have ever met. I am not ashamed of what happened to me and I will not accept your comments of 'all victims ask for it because they stay'. Frankly, you are displaying great ignnorance on the subject. And as for my wonderful friend who has always stood by my side throughout my terrible experience- She had the intelligence to see that if she turned her back she would only be contributing to the power my ex partner already had. She also understood that it was not my fault, ever.

You mentioned that CNN didnt print your response to me? I can only assume that it was an irrelevant and uninformed response? I ask you to be respectful to the women who have shared their experiences on here. You have no idea of the struggle and strength it takes to come out of the other side of a violent relationship.

thank you so much for this article and all of the posts. I was hit for the first time a few days ago, i broke it off immediately the next morning. Since then i've been aching to go back (I even called him). I know this is the wrong thing to do and reading this articles and these posts help me stay strong. I think as girls we are cultured to believe in fairy tales: that by simply kissing the frog, he will change into a prince. Every minute, I want to believe in his promises for change, but reading your stories helps me be realistic in the fact that men like that just can't change. I hope this understanding will be enough.

Further, to those who believe that it is the woman's fault for not leaving, I just have to add that is a product of our own sexist society. While there may not be physical chains around you, there are certainly psychological ones. It is never the victim's fault, and no one volunteers for this. I think until you have had it happen to you, you cannot really understand that it is not black and white. When you invest so much time and emotions into one person, one person that can be the most wonderful person on the planet most of the time, you remain optimistic. It is human nature. Again, I commend all of you for sharing your stories, you inspire me to stay strong.

I also endured an abusive dating relationship in late high school and college.

My abuser never hit me - I think he realized that would have led to intervention by others in my life. Instead, he used fear to completely control me. Just like you, I felt I had to marry him once the relationship became physical - sex was never discussed in my house, and I blamed myself for everything that happened. Why not? - he certainly did. Once he realized how deeply I cared about him and how afraid I was of not marrying him, he used it against me in terrible ways. I had no control over any aspect of our relationship, and it involved constant emotional and sexual abuse. He worked to isolate me from my friends and family, punishing me for spending time with them. I had to dress and wear make-up precisely how he wanted, or he would humiliate me or threaten to end the relationship. He criticized every thing he could find to criticize, from the way I walked to how loudly I breathed. He kept me from attending my parents' 30th anniversary party.

It has been hard forgiving myself for allowing those things to happen. It has been harder wondering how I can prevent it from somehow happening to my own children. I didn't grow up in an abusive household. It started in a relationship that involved a lot of secrecy because of my decision to become sexually active at 17, and it involved an insecure boy who was willing to do just about anything to maintain power and control over me. The best analogy I've seen regarding the psychology of dating violence is a comparison to Stockholm Syndrome. At least for me, I really did live in the world of my abuser. The idea that I could leave him was so far out of the realm of emotional possibility - my every effort was geared toward keeping him happy. It was truly as if I was brainwashed. The periods of sweetness and love between the dark periods just served to keep me there - it was like an addiction. Looking back, it is hard even for me to identify with the mental position I was in.

Contrary to what you might think, I was not a weak person. I was raised in a middle-class home. I was able to stand up for myself in other areas of my life. I was a straight A student. I went on to attend Harvard after the relationship finally ended.

I am now happily married, but there are deep scars. Parents must communicate with their children about their relationships. The high school counselor I visited blamed me for everything. I only told him a fraction of what was happening, but the warning signs were there. He should have known better.

The fact is that it's impossible to truly understand why a victim stays until you've been in that situation. We owe it to our sisters and our daughters and our friends to educate ourselves as best we can, and to hold abusers responsible for their behavior. There is no excuse for abuse, whether it is physical, mental, or sexual. No human being has the right to control another. Until all of our boys and girls are raised understanding this, victims will continue to suffer in silence.

To Sarah it's not luck – I CHOOSE my relationships carefully and I walk away from those that aren't healthy. You chose to stay period. Violent beatings take place over time and you gave this person that time to control you. That is your choice and no one else's.

CNN did post my second response which was what I summed up in my first but shorter. You apparently aren't reading it since you keep missing the fact that I'm telling you it's a choice that you and all the other abused who stay make. True strength comes from a woman who walks away from an unhealthy relationship the first sign it appears i.e. the first hit or the first insult. I cannot ever understand why a woman will stay no matter how many sad blogs I read – you're all adults who are capable of leaving and moving away if need be. This isn't Darfur where women (the true victims) are indiscriminately beaten and raped – that is real fear – you're all women who chose these men and chose to procreate with them and live with them.

GF, until you have been a victim in an abusive relationship, you can't claim to understand the psychological effects of the methods an abuser uses to control a victim. Do you also think Post Traumatic Stress Disorder is all in someone's head? Anyone who blames the victim for staying is ignorant of the real dynamics of abuse. There is no simplistic "it's about choice" explanation for why strong women end up in these relationships. Do a little research. There is a wealth of information out there from organizations who work with abuse victims (and work with batterers), advocates who actually understand what's going on. You would be surprised how similar most domestic violence relationships are - the methods of abuse may differ, but the cycle of power and control is almost universally the same. Until you have walked in those shoes, you can never fully understand - just like you couldn't understand the PTSD suffered by people who have been through other traumatic events you haven't experienced. The best you can do would be to educate yourself, which clearly you have not.

A violent man does not start out being violent. I was in my relationship for 2 years before any violence occured, during which he was able to lay the ground work of manipulation and control. Abusive men are extremely clever at this and it is only in hindsight that you are able to see exactly what they were doing. Of course if you met a man and a week later he hit you it would easy to walk away. But after years of manipulation, control and invested emotion it makes it far more difficult. I think it fantastic that finally there is a greater awareness of domestic violence. There will always be people that are ignnorant and refuse to try and understand the complex issues of this delicate subject. I congratulate the women have shared their stories and have come through their nightmare.

the violence is only the product of the initial ground work. This is the issue that needs greater understanding. I agree with Vernie that there are psychological chains that hold the victim. I would also like to ask how old any victims were on here when they began their relationships? I was only 16 when I met my ex partner. I believe this has alot to do with how much easier it was for him to manipulate and control me over time. I think many young women are young when they experience this, i'm curious if this is the same for any of you?

I have a sister that I am struggling to get her to leave her husband of 8+ years who is for the most part only verbally abusive but has become more physical with her recently. The whole marriage was a mistake but because of religious beliefs and guilt, she has remained with him. My husband and I have offered her a home and other necessities but she just has not made up her mind yet. It is a struggle at times to keep a positive attitude and not get totally frustrated but she and I are the last of the family as our parents are both dead. I wish there was an easy solution but try to remain supportive and keep tabs on her to make sure she is ok. She has to make the decision to leave herself.

To Kathy and Sarah read Dear Abby's 15 signs of an abuser on her website. Doesn't take a genius to recognize the signs – just a willingness to accept them in the partner chosen.

PTSD is very real for victims like I mentioned in Darfur – how funny neither of you addressed that and for our soldiers who have fought wars. What's there to get educated about? Most of the posts on here are the same – lived with someone for years who beat me – family and friends tried to help but the choice was made to stay until either they had enough or were killed.

I meant GF mentioned in Darfur. Sheesh will you guys just get over it and agree to disagree.

Kathy I don't know where you're bringing up PTSD from. People who live in war zones have it and our soldiers have it. The daughter of Josef Fritzl and her children have it from being locked in a dungeon and watching their mother being repeatedly raped have it. Those are things beyond their control that is occurring daily like Darfur (hmmm no comment on that from you or Sarah). From what I've read on the blogs – only one relationship was truly terrifying and dangerous – the rest are similar with family and friends trying to intervene yet the abused chose to go back – B Leist is watching the sister go through it right now and has said it eloquently in the last sentence.

I don't think it matters if a person is 16 when they meet their partner or 50 – if the self esteem isn't there that person will continue to see out abusive partners. I wonder how many of the posters have gone from one abuser to another.

To Melissa I just want to get the point across as someone who has witnessed abuse on a family member and I who have not ever been abused (thanks to my parents teachings) that we have the power to pick and choose our partners. I'm with a husband of 2 years who treats me well and I wish others would know what that feeling is like to have a partner that is considerate, kind, encouraging and thoughtful. He's never laid a finger on me much less uttered an unkind word. It took me 36 years to find this man and I would've spent another 36 looking. Never settle ladies (and gentlemen). Deep down we all know what is right.

GF, I discussed PTSD because many victims of domestic violence suffer from it.

Melissa, there is no reason to address Darfur here, because with respect to the posted blog entry, it is a completely separate matter. To imply that domestic violence victims aren't "true" victims by comparing DV to the most atrocious human rights violations is like claiming that someone with broken legs isn't suffering an injury because they didn’t break their neck. Domestic violence causes real psychological damage, damage that prevents victims from leaving relationships.

I again encourage you to visit any of the numerous organizations dedicated to studying and preventing domestic violence. I encourage you to attend a volunteer training seminar at your local domestic violence shelter. I encourage you to read books about battered women and the law, the history of the domestic violence movement, and the cycle of violence. I guarantee that you will be surprised by what you learn.

Finally, although such cases were not discussed in depth here or in the blogs you read, GF, many cases of domestic violence involve stalking, death threats against a woman's family members, herself, or even her children, threats to take away custody (when there is no documentation of the abuse, as the abuser often makes certain there is not, these threats are not infrequently carried out), or threats to report an undocumented alien to authorities, resulting in her deportation and permanent separation from her children. In other words, many women face the risk of serious, often deadly consequences if they leave an abuser. These are things out of a victim's control, obstacles that prevent her from leaving even when she is mentally able to leave. Ending a domestic violence relationship is the most dangerous time for the victim - you will find that in most cases where a husband/boyfriend kills a woman and/or her children, it's after she has left. And in some of those cases, the abuser was never physically violent before the separation.

If abusers all wore signs stating that they would beat a woman, we would avoid them, wouldn't we? Unfortunately, they don't, and many of the early warning signs of an abusive relationship (obsessive love, jealousy, etc.) are taken for romance in our society. As stated by a poster above, these relationships don't start out abusive. To understand how they become that way, and why intelligent women don't recognize what's happening until it's often too late, again, turn to the experts.

You're passionate about your beliefs; if you do care, please find out what really goes on. You could make an enormous difference just by learning the truth.

I was with an abusive man for 17 years, and it wasn't out of love or thinking it would change. It was out of pure terror. He abused me emotionally and physically, and I knew the evil he was capable of. I believed his threats, and when I finally did try to leave, he made good on his threat and tried to kill me. He imprisoned me in my home, made me call in to work, and tried to break my neck and then proceeded to bash my skull in once I was unconscious from him twisting my neck. I ruined his plans, though, when I woke up so he decided he was going to have to shoot me. After begging for my life for over an hour, he finally believed my lies of how much I loved him and would never call the police, etc., and actually drove me to the hospital. He was charged with 2 felonies and sentenced to jail, but as they were unable to find a weapon that he used to split my skull like a melon, he could not be charged with attempted murder and only served 2 out of the 6 months he was sentenced to. Although I am a 40 year old RN with a bachelor's degree, I lived with my parents for 7 months because I was petrified to be on my own. You're always looking over your shoulder, and every little insignificant event, such as a car turning around in the driveway, is a major trauma. I am back in my own house now, but I have a security system, a gun, and an order of protection in place until 2016. The only reason he leaves me alone is because the judge told him he'll go to state prison for 7 years if he does one thing to bother me. I never told a soul what he was like for 17 years although my parents always said they knew. People like him do not deserve to live free EVER and should be punished to the full extent of the law. Oh, by the way, he is an RN, too, and always confesses to everyone about what a good Christian man he is. God help us all.

Kathy, I looked up the Dear Abby site and that explains it all for me. The warning signs are there if we choose to "see" them. No I won't visit a shelter or read more about it – all it does is anger me that women allow themselves to become so helpless – again they choose to be there – women in Darfur or other war torn nations do not choose to be with these men who assault them. The fact that women choose to stay like Rihanna baffles me – yes there are extreme cases of abuse but again time was given to that abuser to do that. We're going in circles here – I will follow Melissa's advice to agree to disagree.

GF, I think you have hit on one grain of truth - that the warning signs are there if we CAN see them. That is precisely why dating violence prevention is so important - so that young women and men can learn to recognize those signs before they begin dating relationships. And should they miss those signs, they then need to be able to recognize the characteristics of a relationship that has turned abusive - characteristics that include the methods of control and psychological abuse so many posters here have described.

With respect to your decision not to learn more about domestic violence, that of course is your choice. Blaming victims publicly, however, just puts more power in the hands of abusers. For decades victims were blamed for the abuse, dating back to when it was legal for a man to physically "chastise" his wife, and the phrase "rule of thumb" was coined (based on a law specifically permitting a man to beat his wife with a rod, so long as it was no thicker than his thumb). Whether they are being blamed by the abuser because they "provoked" his abuse, or being blamed by someone for failing to leave, when leaving may well mean death or permanent separation from their children - victims can't win. One poster described the methods used by abusers in family courts to gain custody of children, and she was absolutely correct. I have personally seen it happen.

What is perhaps most harmful about your posts is your suggestion that friends and family should be left out of abusive situations. In most cases of domestic violence, it is friends and family that provide the only hope of escape to victims. It is their ability to break through the psychological barriers and help the victim to realize what's going on that has helped many women to escape. If everyone who knew a victim of abuse followed your recommendation, many more women and children would be dead.

I hope, for your sake and for the sake of any future victims of domestic violence you encounter, that you do choose to learn more. In the meantime, since you cannot speak from knowledge or experience, you should keep judgmental thoughts to yourself. It is the strength of women who survive each day in an abusive relationship, the strength of women who are able to leave and tell their stories, and the strength of those who are willing to spend the time understanding victims' experiences that have brought us to the point at which domestic violence is illegal, and the point at which police do in fact respond to domestic violence calls (instead of turning a blind eye and considering it a "private" matter, as recently as 20 years ago in many parts of this country). The next challenge will be finding a way to prevent our children from getting involved in these relationships in the first place.

That, I hope, is something we can agree on.

One last post, for those that are in abusive relationships now.

No matter what kind of obstacles are there in your own relationship, you CAN leave. You do have the strength. Everything an abuser does is an effort to make you believe that you don't - because he knows deep down that you do. There are resources to help you, people who understand how you feel and what you are going through, who do not judge you, and who will do everything they can to help protect you, and if you have children, your sons and daughters. They can help you make a safety plan to help you leave safely. They are there for you because of thousands of women like you who were strong enough to leave, and to survive. They did it, and you can do it. Oprah is right; he will hit you again. You know the truth; what he is doing to you is wrong. If he loved you the way he says he does, he would not do this to you. Nothing you can do will change him. You deserve to be treated with respect, and you can be with someone who will. You will heal. There are men out there who will not try to control you, and you can fall in love again - more than before. If you have children, witnessing abuse makes them more likely to become abusers and victims. For their sake, and for your sake, seek out help; it is there.

You are stronger than you think you are.

Well, I am a man. I was caught in an abusive relationship with a woman who was Bi-polar, intelligent and vindictive. I relucantly gave up a career and many opportunities with my life to live with this person. When I moved into the home with the person after years of having her beg and plead for me not to go I discovered a very angry, mean, and psychotic woman in my midst. Our relationship escalated into a violent one with mutual combat happening between the two of us. One night, on her birthday she physically assaulted me and I defended myself. I was the one who was arrested and eventually charged with domestic violence. Like a fool I returned to the home and we began living together, and the violence escalated to the point of her holding a knife to my throat and threatening my life. I had to leave my home the next morning....sneaking out with all my belongs and heading to a hotel. Then she and her family began to stalk me and tried to create a case around our relationship. Needless to say I have had to go through the trauma of the court system to finally have her admit to the domestic violence that she committed against me. Been a long and hard road...lost job, lost money, but finally some vindication and I have found the love of my life....I am happy now and moving on. Goes both ways, and it is a very difficult thing to examine what happens in someone else's bedroom and put it before a jury or the public eye. Men hurt too!

I recently got out of a 7 yr abusive relationship. I remember before we were together saying to woman who were in a abusive relationship, "why don't you leave?", or "I would never put up with that". Well, you know what? I will never say that again! I know the pain and the control a partner who abuses you can have. They make you feel like, nobody will ever want you and that your not good enough.
I had kids with this man, and the thought of being by myself with my children and having to support them financially scared me!
When we would get into a argument, I would stand up for myself and verbaly fight back. That would make him really mad, and he would end up hitting me and kicking me and he even one time put his smoke out on my arm. Later, I would get the, I'm sorry I love you and will never do it again, or you made me do this, you just don't know when to stop, you are the only woman that this has happened with.
Then when I would call the police, there were a couple of times when he would call wolf and tell them I attacked him and he was defending himself!!! I was even put into jail for the night, and as I turned around and looked at him that night, he starred at me and grinned!!! That is the #1 reason why after that night, calling the police was out of the question. He could make up such a believing lie, I didn't want to end up back in that place.
Even though people say your not alone, you still kind of are. These men have broken us women down so much, we have no self-confidence left. It's more embarassing to go to the shelter's or talk to someone, because if feels like it will make things worse.
For me, to let him go and get out of it, was for him to cheat on me and find someone else. I try to let them know who he is, but they don't believe me. He has now led everyone to believe that I'm crazy and a liar. The sad thing is people believe him.

My friend is trying to get custody of his daughter. His ex is now lying and saying that he abused her in the past. What can he do?

Good Day!
I dont usually comment, but after reading thorugh so much info I had to say thanks.

My experience is very similar to the comment that Candy made, though he and I did not have any children. My life has been turned completely upside down. I've always lived my life being respected by others and respectingthem as well. In addition, credibility has been completely destroyed. I still am distrught by the fact that so many people (employers, law enforcment responders, though not all, some friends and family) believe his claims that I would attack him or presented contentious behavior in the relationship that warranted abuse. My character has been ripped to shreds. Its not that I am worried about ego, I am crushed that those I loved and depended upon abandoned me. I still feel very alone. there are wonderful skilled therapists and agencies who bend over backwards to help but the damage to the community structure that I lived for and loved so dearly has been completely destroyed by his duplicitous manipulations. I will never be the same. To be honest memories of the physical and unsolicited sexual abuse have stolen from me the verve that gave me life. I struggle to push through me days and feel comfortable around new poeple and places. Domestic violence is insidious. I am so glad he's gone. I don't know what made him just stop in the middle of choking me this last time like someone flicked an off switch. But I do know I was terrified and still am. I worry that he's not finished. I try to enjoy my solitude in small doses. I pray everyday that someone will figure out what happened. I pray that my employers would soon understand that he orchestrated the chaos at my place of employment to further control and isolate me. Just as he told law enforcement and his family that I attacked him, he did the same on my job. He created the impression since we were also co-workers that I had an investment in being jealous, vindictive,lying etc. He was able to win their confidence despite my pleas to the contrary for help and their trust. I suffered daily two fold. The effects have been long lasting and the damage indelible on my psyche and soul.
My work,attendance,sick days have gone out of control as opposed to when I began to inform my employers and ask for help. I tried so hard to help myself break free in other ways as well but my resources we unreliable and limited. I really needed assistance and to be taken seriously. Now I'm just trying to figure out how to get well and to be able to be productive and stay safe and out of his reach or the reach of his supportes who seek retribution because they believe he was unjustly charged. I feel so sorry for them that he gave them these horrible impressions of me because he is a sick man and they chose to blindly believe him. I am also hurting because I know he did this ti isolate me. When these people weren't around he would tell me people hated me and not to talk to them. I had no idea until later that while I wasn't around he was giving them the impression I was oppressing him in some way. So when they displayed animosity toward me I believed him when he said everyone hated me. Unfortunately he was to blame. I feel robbed of so many wonderful relationships I could have have if it had not been for him trying to isolate me. I would have had people to go to for help. He made sure that when I did there was no chance of anyone listening. I pray for a change.