Sharing the bed with baby

This is referring to the article "Sharing the bed with baby":

Hi Ms. Abedin,

While the habit of co-sleeper is somewhat cultural, (I am an immigrant from Asia), it is really not so good for the child. And yes, there is the debate about "putting your own needs above the baby's" – it is after all easier to feed the baby during the night.

There is a quick solution to that: you can find a crib that one side of railings next to your bed can be lowered down, it is as easy as picking him up right next to you.

Although you are aware of SIDS risk factors, but again the adults' bed is usually too warm and too soft for the little one, plus he is not supposed to be near any pillows, unless you and your husband are sleeping without any pillows. I suggest you re-study the SIDS risk factors again.

The last thing is, if the baby got used to sleep with you, you will have a huge problem later on to have him sleep on his own, not only in his own bed, but in his own room one day. The longer he sleeps with you, the bigger problem you'd have to face later one.

He would have plenty of love from his parents, and teaching him to be independent from the beginning is another way of showing your love which will benefit him for the rest of his life.

Hope this helps!

Good for you for doing what is right for you and your baby! If you are a responsible co-sleeper, you will nurture a wonderful bond between the two (or three) of you! I'm not sure why people get so angry when they find out that a parent is co-sleeping but it really invokes an emotional response from those pro-crib-ers (like my in-laws!)! I always ask them what people do in countries where they can't afford cribs or there are wild animals running around...I doubt they stick those infants in the next room! Also, there are definite physiological benefits for both the mother and child in co-sleeping, such as regulation of body temperature for the infant and adequate milk production for the mother.

For us, we transitioned our child into his crib when started rolling over and had doubled his birth weight. We felt he was strong enough to be in there on his own and we felt better that he wouldn't be rolling around. Even though everyone warned us it would not be an easy transition, it really was. And in fact, he started sleeping for longer stretches of time when he realized the "Snack Bar" wasn't open all night.

Good luck to you and enjoy your sweet baby.

I guess we're still in the transition. He took to the crib just fine at daycare without any problems when he started around 8 months. When he moved up to the toddler room at 12 months, he loved naptime with the toddler mats. So we got an organic yoga mat (really a futon) similar to the foam ones at daycare for him to sleep in that's in our room. On weekends he naps on his mat. When he falls asleep before we do at night we put him in his mat. If he wakes up and wants in our bed, we let him. He wakes less frequently as he gets older and is starting to wean.

We have found a lot of parenting is easier if we just go with the flow and only worry about things that are actually dangerous or impolite (like you, we did not start out cosleeping). Everyone compliments us on how sweet our little guy is, so I don't think spoiling is going to be an issue any time soon. I also don't think there's any problems with independence– again, he does just fine at daycare. Everyone always says "if you don't do it now, it'll be a big problem later" but we've found that's never been the case. For example, our son didn't want to switch from milk bottle to sippy or straw cup at 12 months (though he drank water out of a cup just fine)... after a week of (highly unusual) constant screaming and wasted pumped milk at daycare we gave the bottle back. A month later we made the switch and it was a non-issue. My mom says peer pressure is an amazing thing.

Hello,

My daughter is now a happy, well adjusted ten year old.

She shared our bed for years as I was a breastfeeding mom who worked all day (and she learned to make up for it by feeding on and off through the night). I put her crib next to my bed (no space between) with the one side railing off so I could move her from my bed to the crib easily. The mattress levels were almost the same (crib was sligthly lower) so it worked great. And the heavy carpet we had meant that the crib never moved, so no worry of any seperation. We lived happy like this until I go a toddler bed for her. I put it next to my bed and she slept there happily. She climbed into bed with me when she wanted comfort (I had weaned her from night nursing) and rolled back into her toddler bed when sleep over took her. Like the crib, the toddler bed was right next to my bed and had one railing off.

When she was about four, I painted her room in her favorite colors and decorated it to please her. We talked about her moving to her big bed and she was very excited. She transitioned without a problem and so did I.

Just last week I was tucking her in and stretched out next to her. We were talking about how fun it used to be to sleep together so she asked me to stay with her until she fell asleep (something I have never done in her room). Well, I fell asleep. My husband came in and covered me up and let me sleep there all night. I must admit, it was one of the best nights sleep I have had in a long time!

Remember, there is no wrong way to do the transition when you listen to you child. Your child will tell you extactly what is needed and when it is needed.

Good luck with your transition.

Best Regards,
Susan

P.S. re the cultural thing: I am a white anglo saxon American. Guess you can't judge a book by its cover!

I had a co-sleeping arrangement with my now 5 year old son until he was nearly 6 months old. Rather than using an in-bed co-sleeping unit we used an Arms Reach co-sleeper, which is basically a playpen sized 'crib' with a shorter lip by the bed and is at bed height, the baby is in his own place yet right nearby and gets the comfort of co-sleeping while limiting risk factors.

As for transition to his own room, we took a gradual approach. When we decided we were going to begin moving him from the room we put the crib against the bed in the place of the co-sleeper. Over the course of the next few months we slowly moved it further and further away from the bed until it was across the room.

The next step was moving the crib into the baby's room, while I did make this move I would still be in my son's room until he fell asleep, for the comfort factor. Then I gradually started moving further away from his bed when putting him to bed, until eventually I didn't have to stay in the room at all.

It took time and patience but my son is very secure in his own room and I have few, if any, problems with him staying in his room. Including the common problem of 'nightmare' moves into mommy's bed. I get a situation like that maybe once every 4-6 months and he's always back in his own bed within the hour.

Hope this helps,
-Amber

Mrs. Abedin,

I believe it is cultural I'm African American and all of my kids at some point have slept in the bed with my husband and myself. We've never once rolled over or crushed them the two oldest sleep in their own beds and room with no problem we transitioned them around a year and they are seven and four they do like to sneak back in when daddy’s away on business. I think it depends on the parent if you’re a heavy sleeper or drinker etc maybe the kids would be safer in their own space my youngest just turned one and she’s still in the bed she makes her presence know so there’s no way to crush her she will start the move to her own bed. Before we had cribs babies slept with their mothers. Babies have died alone in their cribs not saying the American Academy of Pediatrics is wrong since there are cases of parents rolling over their babies how I don’t know. Of course all kids want to sleep with their parents my children are no less independent then a child that never slept with their parents.

I'm Asian and although I don't have a child yet, my mom is adamant about not letting a baby sleep in the same bed as the parents. It creates problems for the child in not sleeping through the night because they will get too attached and there would be problems with them sleeping by themselves when they're older. My cousin had three girls and allowed the last one to sleep with her and her husband and regret it. They had such a hard time getting her to sleep by herself and all through the night as she got older. She's 8 years old now finally sleeping in her own bed although not every night.

Sure it's easier to feed a baby in the middle of the night when they're right next to you however when you signed up to be a parent – it's not about making things easier for you but to do what's best for your baby and that's giving them their own space. No one wants their child to become co-dependent.

My husband and I enjoyed our infant sleeping between us til she got too big at 7 mos. The transition that worked for us was a futon (or mattress) on the floor of the babies room. I could lie down with her til she was really out and then slip away or stay. The crib ended up being used for nap time, til she climbed out one day. Luckily the futon was just below it! That futon worked til she was ready for a real little girls bed.

This view might surprise all of you posting so far, but our son slept in his very own crib – in his very own room – from the very first day home from the hospital. He was happy and content. He slept well and we all still bonded quite nicely... It was a good move for everybody and didn't affect his self confidence, or our closeness as a family. He could also sleep anywhere at all when we traveled, and was never fussy or picky.

Just an alternate view of what can work, as he's now all grown up and married and very well-adjusted – despite his own room, plus even the bottle after a couple of weeks! What we think is all so essential for our babies is all too often designed to meet dependent needs of our own.

My 10 year old slept in a crib until he was 4 months old. At that point, he contracted RSV, and co-sleeping became the norm. It made it easier on us to give him his nebulizer treatments every 4 hours, but also was psychologically easier on me. I was convinced that he was more susceptible to SIDS, that I would fail to hear the stridor or wheezing through a monitor, that I my physical presence would keep away the gremlins as it were. At 18 months he was firmly installed in the family bed. I tried several times, and failed, to reintroduce the crib – he didn't cry, he wasn't wretched, he just didn't go to sleep. Put him back in bed with us, and voila! sleepy time. For all of us.

Then I noticed that on long walks he'd fall asleep in his pull wagon. The length was just about right so I bought a nap mat, parked the wagon next to the bed, and moved him into it. Over the course of several months we moved the wagon (it was on wheels, how much easier could it have been!) from next to the bed, to the foot of the bed, to the doorway, to his room, to next to his crib. As the final inducement, we took his crib down and bought a toddler bed. When I let him pick out his own sheets and comforter for the toddler bed it was settled and he started sleeping in it.

Six months later and the crib was back up for my second son. He slept in a bassinet in our room for probably 3 months, until he outgrew it entirely. This was mostly because after all the work getting the older one into his bed, I didn't want his infant brother crying him awake every few hours in their shared room. Once he moved into his crib though, that's where he stayed. No co-sleeping with him.

So, I guess you could say, I've done it both ways. Both of my boys are good kids with no obvious issues, so I suppose in the long run neither way is right or wrong – just specific to the child and the situation at hand.

I love snuggling with 16-month old daughter in the bed with us. The problem now is that she sleeps soundly, my husband sleeps soundly, but I don't! I'm the one squished to just a sliver of bed while they take up the entire bed. We bragged when she was younger about how she slept through the night from 3months and went from bassinet to a crib in her own room as soon as I stopped breast feeding, but around 14 months, she started waking uup crying in her crib at 2 or 3am. One of us would get up, change her if necessary and then bring her into bed with us. If we put her back in her crib and left the room, she just cries and then no one gets to sleep, so it seemed easier to bring her in bedwith us. Now however, I'm not sleeping well and I'm concerned about how and when we will get her out of our bed. We'd like to try to make another baby, which is tough with the lack of nighttime privacy. I know some say just put her in her room and let her cry it out, but she can cry hysterically for 45 minutes and once she got so worked up that she vomited. There's tough love, but that's crazy. Sometimes children need soothing.

I was single mother and I let my daughter sleep in the bed with me. Right after she was born I listened to all the magazines and kept her in a bassinet beside my bed. After a month or so for my own peace of mind I moved her to the bed with me. She was a deep sleeper from the start and I found myself jumping awake all night to check if she was breathing. It was easier on me to have her in the bed where I could keep a maternal eye (my hand) on her.

After about 6 to 9 months I attemoted moving her to her bassinet again but now she was too big and again it was sfer and easier on me to have her in the bed. Once she was a year and could walk I got her a toddler bed and moved her to her own room. SHe went with no problem. She was really independent from the start and had no problem transitioning.

I'm married now and she is four. She rarely asks to sleep in the bed with me and I usually deny her requests, but I'll help her to sleep by laying in her bed with her for a moment. I find that it isn't a problem for her, its a problem for me. I ask her to sleep with me and I find comfort in her being close to me. I had to find the strength to find MY independence, she was good to go. Good luck!

Sure is a culture thing , but having a baby on his on crib and room from the first day of his life, sounds crazy . You are talking for kids that have died from slipping on parents bed,what about them that have died on crib alone?

I doubt the risks are much higher, because a baby could get sick in the crib, but you may not notice it until it was too late. Plusses and minuses on both sides, from a health/safety perspective.

But it's important for the baby to grow independent. And it is NOT healthy for marraiges when baby shares the bed every night for weeks/months. I can't tell you how many husbands I meet who feel ignored by mom once the baby comes on the scene. Marraiges take work and attention, and given our hectic lives that time often comes at night. You're being selfish by even stressing over this...after all your baby certainly won't suffer unduly by moving to the crib, and obviously your husband wants it. It's you with the problem. You can't stand letting go. Good gosh, how are you ever going to let this child go to kindergarten, college or get married someday if you get so worked up about him/her sleeping in a crib?

I agree with the parents in the article. As long as the baby is not harmed, they should be able to sleep with their baby in bed. It is easier on both of the parents, and the baby usually does sleep better. But, to the parents who say that it is wrong: To each his own.

I have three kids and they were each a little different. My oldest girl would not sleep period unless she was curled up next to my body. Even when she got older and had a toddler bed, she would just wait until we went to sleep and then sneak into our bed. We eventually compromised with a mat on the floor of our room. When she got old enough that she wanted her own space more, she started sleeping in her own room.

My middle boy is three now and he was a dedicated co sleeper for the first year or so and has since gone back and forth depending on his mood. He spends 3 out of 4 nights in his own bed.

My youngest is 10 months and he couldn't care less where he's sleeping. Unless he's not feeling well, we put him down in his crib all the time so we can have the bed to ourselves.

All three of them are very well adjusted and independent. They don't show any signs of insecurity in day to day life. I think listening and showing your children that you respect their needs and wants is just as important as being firm and establishing boundaries. All three of my kids have very different personalities and go about things differently. None of the so called experts have ever met my kids, so I'm not sure they're qualified to tell me what's best.

I don't think forced separate sleeping is very natural. If you think about it, a baby spends nine months inside your body having all of his bodily functions regulated by yours. Studies have shown that a newborn babies breathing, heart rate, and body temperature will regulate when in contact with it's mother's skin. I've also heard that kids don't completely understand that they aren't a part of their mother until they're two or something. It just doesn't make sense to me to put them in another room, unless they show that they are ready.

I have to admit to being biased about the advice of experts. I think "expert" when your talking about parenting stuff is another name for someone who wants you to buy a product that you probably don't really need. I worked in a baby store for several years and I think retailers take shameless advantage of people who are trying to do what's best for their kids. People spend hundreds of dollars on all this junk, and 90% of it is completely unnecessary.

My 8-month-old began sleeping in a bassinett next to our bed from the day we brought her home from the hospital. I would nurse her as needed throughout the night. Once she was four months old she transitioned into sleeping in her crib in her own room. At that point I would obviously go into her room and nurse her during the night when she needed it. She sleeps wonderfully and I could not have asked for a better baby. I did not co-sleep and I feel very much bonded with my daughter.

As a former social worker I would advise against co-sleeping. There were unfortunately many cases that I dealt with where the parents rolled over onto their newborns and suffocated them. Each parent in these instances were well intentioned, however you never know what may happen when you're in a deep sleep. Co-sleeping wasn't for me, as I didn't want to take any risks with my precious child.

I'm just curious if there is a direct correlation between babies/toddlers that were co-sleepers who then fight going to sleep in their cribs/own beds.

I've known several moms that complained about this transition when they were ready to end co-sleeping. Logic says they would not have these problems if they were not full-time co-sleepers.

I don't agree that babies need to be fed throughout the night either. My son is a good example of a breastfed baby that slept in his own crib and slept through the night by 5 weeks of age. He has not had sleep or nap issues.

Each relationship has varying levels of security. So go with what works for you and your spouse. If your spouse is not in favor of it, ask why. Maybe you used to be all his and sharing you is not as "fun".

Good for you! I allowed both of my daughters to co-sleep, so that our whole family could get some sleep while nursing. It's a hard transition from bed to crib. You have to let the baby cry a bit - it's painful, moreso for the mom, but the baby will learn how to get her/himself to sleep, likely within a couple of weeks.

I used to not have problems with co-sleeping. I thought like many of you that I could keep a better eye on my son if he was right next to me. It was convenient for breastfeeding in the middle of the night. We tried to keep him in the basinet right next to the bed but he would realize he wasn't in our bed and start to cry. I would move him right back into the bed with us. You never think that it's going to be you. Well unfortunately around 7 weeks, my sweet little Aiden surcommed to SIDS. SIDS is NOT rolling over your baby in their sleep! They don't exactly know the cause is, they just know what to do to lower your odds. It's kind of like some forms of cancer. We don't exactly know what causes it ,but we know what not to do like smoke, drink, live near radiation,etc.. SIDS and co-sleeping has been around since King Solomon's time. I encourage all of you loving parents to pay attention. I know it's convenient and you feel your kids will be more grounded, but as a parent who lost their child I would urge you to reconsider co-sleeping. I would give anything to have a screaming baby to wake up to in the middle of the night just because he hadn't gotten used to sleeping on his own.

My daughter co-slept with me until she was about 12 months old. At 12 months I started putting her in her crib in her own room and at some point in the night she would wake up a cry and I would move her back into my bed for the rest of the night. Around 16 months we got her a "big girl bed", otherwise known as a full size bed and explained to her that it was her bed and she was a big girl now. She slept all through the night the first night I put her in the bed! ...and she's slept that way ever since. She's now almost 2 and is putting herself to bed at 9:00 every night.
I truely believe that all of my attachment parenting styles: breastfeeding, wearing her in a sling, co-sleeping, and not-vaccinating let her become who she wanted to be when she felt comfortable to become whoever that person was.
...now on to potty training... oh, boy!

My daughter was happy out of our room and in her crib at 6 weeks. It was really her decision. That's when she first slept through the night. My son is the opposite....I figured he'd be in his crib by now but he's 5 months and we love to cuddle all night. There's nothing like it. He's extremely safe in my arms...I get more nervous when he is in his crib because he rolls around and hits his head. He also refuses to sleep on his back. When he's tucked in my arms we all sleep much better. I've been concerned about how to "transition" into the crib but I figure it will happen when the time is right. We just bought a King size bed.
I don't understand why people get so upset when every family and baby is unique and has unique needs. We can't impose our situation on another family...it doesn't make sense and just makes people try things that our unnatural for there situation.
(This goes for breastmilk vs formula, working vs stay-at home as well....why are we so hard on each other?)
Brenda

Yes, I fell into the co-sleeping trap. I didn't want my baby to cry and I couldn't let him cry. I also breastfed and it was so much easier to have him right there. I was a very light sleeper. I always had my arm around his head and he was tucked right under my arm so i could feel him move and if my husband moved and i could push him away. I even got a king size bed so we could accommodate all of us. I tried to put him in the crib around 8 months and we were doing fine and then he got a cold and i brought him back to bed with us and he slept with us until he was about 5 or 6 and he is now 10. We always joked that he would be with us until 18. I liked having him with us, I can't explain it, my first child and everything, over protected the whole spiel. I had my 2nd son and he has been in the crib since the day I brought him home. He was also breastfed but I felt secure to let him cry and check on him and I was a light sleeper and i could hear his every move. He is 3 and he occasionally comes in the middle of the night, but i take him back, because it reminds me that i would get a kick here and there and so would my husband and we wouldn't get a good night sleep. You can try getting one of those play pen type beds that extends your bed to start trying to separate. That was really hard to seperate! Good Luck! I loved co-sleeping, I don't see anything wrong with it, if you can take all the kicks in the middle of the night!

Don' t worry about what people think or say. Raise your child the way you want. My daughter slept with my husband and I for years. She's 11 and still sometimes wants to come into our room. It doesn't mean that she is not independant, it means that she wants to be close to us sometimes. She sleeps in her room with no problems. I'm not gona turn her away if she has a bad dream, or wants to lay and watch a movie. My husband and I love to have her. Enjoy the closeness while you have it, one day they will be all grown up and it will be hard to get a hug, because they dont' want their friends to see.

To sleep or not to sleep with your baby.
When you take your baby home, it's pretty natural to want to keep the baby safe and warm with you. And yes, in some cultures this is the accepted norm.
But this is the culture you live in and independence is an important part of that culture. I would say also that this is about what you want and a convenience for you. Put the baby in it's crib or bassinet next to your bed if you want to keep an eye out. But really, a baby does not know what is good for it, you do. You are the parent, you have learned to have good judgement, you need to use it. It is simply not safe to keep a baby in the bed with you all night long what with pillows and rolling over etc....
To keep the baby in bed with you also encourages frequent night feedings. Once again, you need to monitor this. No one gets a good night's sleep if it is broken up by constant night feedings. And an infant that learns that the food is available on demand will never really fill up for a good feeding and long restful sleep, which is what everyone needs.
And in spite of what I have read here from some sucessful transitions, I can assure you that most parents regret the day they brought the child into the bed with them. This really becomes a problem down the road when this child has difficulties sleeping alone.
Foster your child's sense of self and independence – keep the baby in the room for a few months until you are comfortable with moving the baby into it's own room. You will be parenting well...if you don't forget that coddling and spoiling a child is the first step to ruining their self confidence.. put their needs above yours and you will see that you are really doing this for you. A nice compromise is to take the infant at the 6:00am feeding (three hour feeding schedule) and put the baby in bed with you for that last hour or so of quality time before you get up. That way everyone gets more sleep at night and everyone gets a nice warm bonding too. Sounds happy and healthy to me!

For Melissa in Los Angeles, if you do not have kids then I dont really think its fair for you to judge.
Every child and parent are different. My son sleeps with my husband and I, and there is no problems at all.. That is our choice..When I brought him home from the hospital ( a month after he was born, he was 2 months premie) I didn't have the hospital monitors to assure me that everything was ok, so having him with me was much easier and made me feel that he was safe.
My thoughts are, for the people who complain that kids should not be in the same bed as their parents, "you don't sleep with me, when you do, then you can complain

Thank you for this article! I am a co-sleeper of a 15 month old, I know in my mind I should put her in her bed, but I can't! I know everyone thinks we are nuts but I sleep better and so does she. I am a very light sleeper and would be worried and up all night if she was in the other room. We, like others, co-slept for breastfeeding, but I just love cuddling with her and watching her sleep. As far as SIDS, I feel like they are more vulnerable in their own crib, just the other day I read about a 1 year old who was sick with a cold and had a seizure in the middle of the night and died. I know its a rare case but what if those parents had been co sleepers? They would probably still have their baby boy with them!
I'm not saying my way is the right way, but I wanted a baby for so long and after a miscarriage we were blessed with my sweet little girl, I want her with me all the time! One day we will make the transition, but for now I am not ready to let her grow up even more than she already has.

Our first child slept with us from the beginning. It was around 9 1/2 months that we transitioned her to her own room with the crib. The first night she cried and cried but eventually fell asleep. After that, we rocked her to sleep and then put her in the crib. She woke up a few times a night, and I would go in, nurse her, and put her down. On nights when she was especially needy, I would take her to my bed or the couch. Now she oftentimes runs into our room in the middle of the night and sleeps fine with us. Now we have an eight month old. He begins the evening in his bassinet next to our bed and ends up in our bed during the night. Sometimes it's crowded with the four of us, so I usually end up on the couch with the kids (or the hide-a-bed) or my husband does. Many of my friends criticize me for sleeping with my kids, but I find it comforting to sleep with them and they enjoy it. Plus, my husband works four nights a week, so I also find it reassuring to have them both where I can see and hear them during the night. It's definitely not as restful when I keep putting them into their own beds, but if I really wanted them to sleep solo, I would make sure it happened.

I co-slept with six of my seven babies. (With the first, I believed the magazines and opinions that said it was dangerous. It was only in exhausted desperation that I brought the second to bed with me so I could get some sleep during night feedings when I realized there was no risk at all and the convenience was unparalleled.) My husband, too, was always much more eager to get the babies out of bed than I was—I loved having them snuggled peacefully in sleep, and knowing every time I roused even for a few seconds that all was well with them. And they never woke fully nor cried for a feeding, all they had to do was begin to wiggle and stir and we'd turn over, latch on, and both fall asleep again quickly.

For us, most of the babies weren't out of bed until weaning time. When they were ready to go through the entire night without a feeding, I figured they were big enough to sleep on their own. For some of them, this didn't happen until well into the second year. For some of them, I started putting them in their own bed in the month or so before a newborn sibling was due to arrive.

All seven are healthy, alive (no roll-overs here), and very well adjusted.

I have 5 children including a 7 month old. Every child is different. Some slept in their own beds from day 1, my second son slept with us until a month before his siter arrived. RIght now, the baby sleeps with us. He had breathing problems at birth and was in the NICU for a couple of weeks. SInce I work outside the home, I get most of my snuggle time after the other kids are in bed, or befrore we get out of bed in the morning. There is no better feeling in the world than a tiny hand reaching out just to make sure you are there in tthe middle of the night.

On the other hand, the baby is now big enough that daddy is getting the pointy little toes in the side. We will probably move to a crib soon.

There IS a difference between asphyxiation and true SIDS. Asphyxiation risks are substantially raised by poor cosleeping habits–allowing a baby to sleep on an adult bed alone, allowing a baby to sleep unconfined in an adult bed, smoking, being significantly overweight, or drinking/drug use (including OTC sleep aids). All these are similar to the risks of putting a baby on its stomach, with stuffed animals, with fluffy blankets, etc.

However, true *SIDS* rates are significantly lowered with cosleeping. The current theory is that some babies are undeveloped nervous systems, which means that they sleep so heavily that they simply stop breathing. Sleep studies have shown that cosleeping mothers sense lowered breathing rates in their infants automatically and move in their sleep to rouse them. The correct way to cosleep is to physically hold one's baby so that there is no possibility of it rolling over onto its stomach or getting pushed off the bed, much less it getting rolled on top of.

Putting a baby in a crib is the easier way to keep a baby safe, but cosleeping correctly is safer still.

@ Terri, just because I don't have a child yet does not mean I can't have an opinion for my future children and how I will raise them. I have family and friends who have done both and those who have allowed their children in their bed regret it. They have not been able to transition that child into their own bed successfully. I slept in my own crib from day one and I turned out fine. Looks like Eileen and Joyce are the few who understand that letting a child sleep by itself is the best for that baby. This new generation of helicopter parenting is frightening. No wonder kids are shooting at each other in school now. They don't know how to cope without mom or dad holding their hands every step of the way.

Late one night, I was paged to the emergency room of our rural hospital. On arrival, I was stopped in my tracks by the stricken face of an ER nurse who forlornly looked at me just shaking her head. As I turned the corner, I saw three images that will NEVER leave my head. First, a young mother, on her knees, screaming over and over "I killed my baby, I killed my baby!" Second, a young father with a dead infant in his outstretched arms, with a helpless look of fear and confusion as to why his baby couldn't be revived. Thirdly was the infant himself, a cold, waxy, doll-like body, limp forevermore.
If you try and convince me that co-sleeping is safe, I challenge you to enter my memory, and take from me those three images, perhaps replacing them in your own head, as yourself, your spouse, and your dead infant. If you can do that, I will stop telling people about the REAL dangers of co-sleeping with infants.
If you try to convince yourself that it is more than your own selfish convenience, I say to you, is your infant's life worth the risk?

I am 31 years old, intelligent and successful and I co-slept with my parents. I was fortunate in that my parents were not selfish or neurotic and loved me enough to keep me close when I needed it. I sleep quite well on my own, now, thank you very much. I have lived on my own for some time, hold one university degree and am in the process of completing a second.

As you can see I'm still alive and did not get crushed to death (really this is ridiculous to suggest). As most intelligent people are aware, infants co-sleeping and SIDS are unrelated. Babies die alone in cribs far more often than they do in their parents beds. Do what feels right for you and your child. Most people who are against co-sleeping or think it's unnatural are not people who have come from close loving homes where gentle parenting played a role in their upbringing. Their relationships as adults both with their parents and others are indicative of their upbringing.

Should I have children someday I will absolutely co-sleep along with other aspects of gentle parenting. I feel sorry for those out there who are so against it, for them and for any children they bring into the world and then hold at arm's length.

The kids who are "shooting each other at school now" are the ones who did not have that love and support. It's a pity that people try to use hysterical language to make a case against loving your baby.

I am a mother of four children. With each child it was different, from one being happy in the crib from day one, to another preferring falling asleep in bed with the parents, and in between. But in all cases, I transferred them to their own crib after they fell asleep in bed with me, from day one (I nursed all 4). This helped me to get my sleep, so I could be an alert, caring, non-stressed mom, and they all seem quite happy. Plus, it is my belief that the PARENTS are the center of the family. The children surround the parents, and are very important, but mom and dad are the core. Mom and Dad must have a healthy relationship, and if your husband is ready for baby to leave, it's probably a good time to do it, for you, him, and baby. I found that just transferring baby after he/she fell asleep worked, and painlessly progressed to being able to go to sleep alone. Also, if baby has a hard time with the transition, it's probably not baby, it's mom letting baby know she is nervous. So, trust your instincts. You seem to be ready, and we all know your husband is. Just trust you are doing the right thing, and make sure you and Dad are on the same page. Kids are happy if their parents are happy. And that's true regardless of what your cultural background is, regardless of income, regardless of whether mom works or stays at home. Happy, confident parents make happy babies. Everything else is secondary.

I was a cosleeper with my first and everything was fine, and yes, I loved that it was so easy to breastfeed her at night as I was a single parent. When my second came along and, this time around not single, his father didn't like the idea of cosleeping. Saying it was dangerous. I tried to argue with him that I would be careful and there wouldn't be any problems. I also found that because my youngest was premature when he was in bed with us he slept alot better. On the other hand, my oldest only stopped sleeping with me when we moved in with my husband...she was four. I suppose it is a personal choice, like breast feeding. but it seemed natural to me to have my children in bed with me, probably would still have both of them if not for my husband saying no two years ago when the baby was born.

I remember the days when I didn't have any children. Like Melissa, I too had a fixed opinion on child-raising and was critical of anyone who didn't agree with 'my' view. Guess what? Five children later I have realized that I don't have any 'set-in-stone' theories, just children who are all individuals with different personalities and different needs. Two slept in cribs and three slept with us. One who had slept in a crib developed night terrors and nightmares and slept on our floor in a sleeping bag from the ages of 3 to 5. The other crib sleeper was fine and would sleep anywhere and never had an issue. The ones who slept with us seemed better adjusted children in my view. We didn't have issues with transitioning them to their own rooms when their time – different for each – came. I don't regret for a moment having them sleep with us. They are in their 20's and teens now. As I get older, I look back and treasure the memories of their sweet faces sleeping near mine and marvel at their successes. I now feel guilt for the one child (my first) who probably should have slept with us but instead was in the crib and who I allowed to cry and scream herself to sleep on my mother and mother-in-laws advice and insistence. Every instinct I had said to pick her up and hold her and love her, but I was told that I would be spoiling her. She is my one child who is in the military and will be going on her second deployment soon. Melissa may need to do some more research on the history of the children that do the school shootings. I would venture to guess that they did not have close relationships with their parents, that they were left alone quite a lot of time, that television and video games were not monitored or filtered, that they had access to guns, that they were bullied and that they were crying out for help and attention. "Helicopter" parenting, whatever that is, sounds like a nasty insult to parents who care about their children. I do not believe that co-sleeping or attachment parenting leads to school shootings. I do support every parents' rights to co-sleep with their babies or to crib sleep them. Melissa does seem like she turned out just fine – gracious, kind, nurturing and loving. She will make a wonderful mother some day – far, far in the future.

I certainly hope all you parents who are so worried about "death by co-sleeping" never, ever put your precious babies in a car. Do you know how many children are killed and seriously injured in car crashes each year? Even those in car seats? Whew, I sure wouldn't want to expose my children to the dangers of automobiles! I think parents who let their children ever ride in cars are just putting their own selfish desires above the absolute safety of their kids. After all, parents could just as easily walk everywhere they need to go, which is much safer.

Seriously folks – it is impossible to get to 100% safety in this world. Be sensible and don't sleep with your baby if you are drunk or on drugs. Other than that, don't sweat the small stuff – and "death by co-sleeping" (has that ever really happened? Maybe once?) should not be a major worry. Worry more about the polluted air your children are breathing and the toxins in their food. If you enjoy co-sleeping do it, if not don't. Just don't turn it into one more moral issue to argue over. Case closed.

My husband and I were co-sleepers not because of culture, but just because it was easier. I had a c-section and getting up and down was difficult. So, co-sleeping was the answer. My son fed about every 2 hours, and this way we didn't have to get up in the middle of the night to get baby or a bottle. The co-sleeping became less frequent at 6 months, when he developed RSV and wouldn't breastfeed at all. After getting out of the hospital, I found letting him sleep in the car seat (without the belts and tilted as far back as possible) in the crib made his breathing easier and made giving him breathing treatments easier. After he recovered, I put him to sleep in the bed with us and then moved him when he was asleep to the crib. At 1 his crib was moved into another room. At 3 he was given a bed (mattress and boxspring on the floor). At 4, I still lay down with him till he falls asleep. And most nights he still wanders into our bedroom at varying times just before daybreak. But that is okay with us. I plan to have him going to sleep on his own, soon. But there's no rush. We're letting him set the pace. I'm already hearing, "Do it myself!" so it won't be long!

I have two boys, now four and six. Both of them slept with me. Sometimes I slept on the couch, instead of in our bed.. but really, I just did whatever worked for us. My oldest was adamant about sleeping with us, until his brother was born. But the transition was easy... we moved to a completely different town and were forced to live in a hotel for a few weeks. At the hotel, he had his own bed, and that policy just continued once we got our new house.

I kind of forced the transition with my youngest, and I regret, a bit, not waiting until he was completely ready. But I was ready, and while that transition was harder..(for several different reasons), we didn't have any problem getting through it.

Now they are both happy in their own beds, and rarely come to ours – even if they have nightmares. No one is comfortable sharing a bed anymore.. and they always want to go back to their own.

You know... do what works for you and your family.

I don't have children, so I can't comment on much of the article. I just want to comment on the negative response you are getting from your in-laws and others who are categorically opposed to co-sleeping. For some reason, a lot of people think that there is open-season on parents and their parenting styles, that it is o.k. to openly criticize any decisions parents make that one doesn't agree with. This is very rude but prevalent behavior. I would suggest you let their criticism roll off your back, and transition to a different subject by saying something like "You're kind to show so much concern for our family. Would you pass the peaches? My, they are delicious!" On the other hand, it is not uncommon for co-sleeping parents to complain about the many inconveniences the arrangement entails. Freely airing complaints about your family life is also bad manners (unless you are privately confiding in a trusted friend who wants to hear your complaints) but more to the point, when you complain about the inconveniences of co-sleeping you open up the issue and seem to invite others' comments, including criticism. So don't do it. Keep your private life to yourself (and sleeping arrangements should be private, shouldn't they?) and others will be less likely to put in their two cents.

I work for a public health agency and within the area I serve, 6 babies have died of sleep related incidents this year. 6 deaths that could have been prevented.

Parents should always follow the ABC's of Safe Sleep:

A. Babies should always sleep alone and not with adults, other children, pillows, blankets or stuffed animals.

B. Babies should be placed on their backs, not on their stomachs or sides.

C. Babies should sleep in cribs. The crib should be safety approved with a firm mattress.

And yes to Nan M there is a risk in everyting we do. However, parents put babies and children in car seats to REDUCE the risk of injury. Parents use outlet plugs to PREVENT their child from electrocuting themselves. We do these things out of love.

If something were to ever happen to my chidren, I would rather know that as a parent I had done everything possible to protect them than to live with the regret of knowing I knew the risk but took a chance with their life anyway.

You were right, co-sleeping is a controversial issue in America. When done responsibly it is a wonderful way to bond with your baby, but unfortunately I occasionally see a headline where someone wasn't and the end results are disasterous.
I come from a family where between my sisters and I there are 10 kids, all of which have slept in their parents beds. This wasn't something that we discussed it just seemed natural. All of the children were breastfed as well, which may have added to the convenience of it.
I never had any problems when my daughter was a baby and she co-slept with us until she was almost two. My husband and I slowly transitioned her into her new room and new bed over a period of time. I will admit I was nervous that it was going to be a daunting task, but it actually proved to be easier than I anticipated. I am sure that most of that has to do with your child and how they percieve this new sleeping arrangement.
Currently I am co-sleeping with my son. When he was a newborn we purchased one of those co-sleepers that attach to the side of your bed. That worked, but eventually he became to big for it. Now he just sleeps with us and that is fine. I am in no rush to move him out either.
One suggestion about the pillow issue when they are small is to actually put them under the fitted sheet, that way there is no way for them to scoot or nuzzle under it.
All in all it is a personal decision that must be approached with common sense.

My baby who is 2+ yrs old, sleeps with me since the day he was born. Not a one night I did not have him sleep with me. I breatfed him for 21 months. There was one night that he played in his crib and feel to sleep. Two hours into the night, I could not fall into sleep with him next to me. I brought him back to my bed. My husband sleeps in the guess room. I have a daughter who is 6 yrs old, whom I slept with until my son was born (when she is around 4 yrs old, on weekend, I still let her come to my bed if she wakes up early in the morning). My daughter is in 1st grade, on top of her class, and indenpent too. I do not believe all those saying outthere. All my siblings slept with parents or grandmother when we grew up. We are all very secure and indenpent now. I will continue to sleep with my son. Our whole family enjoy this co-sleeping very much. My husband doesn't mind. It is for the best interest for our son. He needs Mommy. I will enjoy as long as it lasts. My girlfiried felft so sad that one day, when her son is around 7 yrs old, and told her" Mommy, I am a big boy now, would you please go out, I need to close the door when I am taking a shower." She felt like she was unemployed, and not wanted anymore after two yr of hard work. She was crying when she told my the story. All the parents out there, enjoy spending every single minutes with your children. They grow up very fast. I am a full-time working mom. Sometime I feel tired with a whole good night sleep. But that is part of parenthood, we enjoy it very much.

As a child of a co-sleeping family I can assure you (and Melissa) that helicopter parenting has NOTHING to do with co-sleeping. And another thing, SIDS risk is lower in co-sleeping countries (my family is white as they come so its not cultural for us). My brothers and I all co-slept with our parents, all survived and are all incredibly independent and grounded. Our parents let us make our mistakes and would never "helicopter." Helicopter parents are around because parents are afraid of letting their kids fail or haven't taught their children responsibility.
I didn't want to co-sleep with my son because I am a kicker in my sleep but after 3 months of waking up every 45 minutes to put him to sleep, trying everything the books had to offer (swings, pacifiers, vibrating chairs, setting him down awake...) I tried co-sleeping with no pillows, blankets and a tight fitting sheet. We dress warmly and the a/c is on all night to keep it cool enough for the baby. Our son started sleeping 3-4 hours that first night and has been with us ever since.I find that I sleep better and wake up in the same position as I fall asleep so rolling over isn't a problem. People have an inherent knowledge of where they are in their beds (how often do you fall out even when on the edge?) and moms especially know where baby is so the risk of roll over is almost none if you are sober and not overly tired and in a safe bed.
I love having him close and knowing he feels safe. It has helped us keep breastfeeding (10 months and counting) and anyone who says night wakings are harmful knows nothing of successful breastfeeding! He will sleep in his crib now if I put him there but I choose not to since he wakes up just as often but will wake up fully and cry as opposed to rolling over, eating, and drifting off again. My nephew is the same way and both children are independent and happy. My other nephew is a crib sleeper and just as independent and happy as our co-sleepers. I don't know why people have to judge others, just do what works for you as long as its safe for baby! Everyone has a different story and needs.

I am not yet a parent- I am waiting until I am through with college so I will actually have time for them! But I am a little irritated by some of these comments! I know that doctors have done studies and found out what is supposed to be better ways to do things, but it is still the parents' own choice as to how they raise their children. Co-sleeping or not- it is their choice and I don't think that anyone has the right to say it's wrong and be ugly about it. Yes, incidents happen- but no matter what, even if you follow everything all the doctors and experts tell you- things can still go wrong. Let the parents' decide what to do for their children- and people need to stop being so judgemental. Focus instead on showing your kids how adults should accept others!

Both my daughters co-sleep with their kids. They are great kids. The only problem they've encountered is the size of the bed.

And we are your basic white mutt American with a little bit of Native American.

Both daughters chose co-sleeping because they breast-feed and because it seems natural.

To Karen and Jen are you telling me that because during my generation and past when mothers did not sleep with their children that we're not close with our family? That we're the ones out shooting at other kids? I can tell you I am close with my family and I'm sure and if you look at history kids didn't go on these shooting sprees in junior high and high schools until the last 10 years when parenting really started to change with more mothers in the work force and from what I've read here – co-sleeping with a baby. Look up what a helicopter parent is Karen because it sounds like you might be one of them. I know I'll be a great parent because I learned from the best – my mom!

Just because most of you slept with your children and did not smother them does not mean it hasn't happened. Are you saying that if a person survives falling out of a 16 story building that it's ok to jump out of a 16 story building? That's the logic you're using. Mimi Wiz's post should be a wake up call that something worse than a child not sleeping in their own bed or through the night – can and does happen

I'm curious about those who co-sleep with their children – how does this affect the initmate relationship between the husband and wife? Especially with BB88 where her husband sleeps in the guest room. Does anyone find it sad that she couldn't fall asleep without the baby next to her instead of her husband? How can there be any sort of relations if a child is in the bed (this includes emotional bonding between husband and wife too)?

Don't think for a minute that being a co-sleeper is wrong.

My daughter is now 19 months old and in the last two months in her own room.
As a first-time mom, I was extremely worried about all the risks associated with death and children. She slept in our bed until she was four months old; moving to a bassinette afterwards, followed by a crib – and a very worried mom. I remember waking up periodically throughout the night to check on her.
It's not a bad thing being so close to your child – in the end they will feel more connected to you and you will reap the benefits.
Who can a child run to if not their parents?

If people protest your opinions, just tell them: "this is MY child and MY way of parenting. if i feel comfortable doing things this way, its none of your business to push your opinions. if you still have a problem with it, here's a quarter – call someone who cares to listen."

Good luck

I have a six and a four year old. I still sleep with them every night. It is entirely because I can't seem to fall asleep without them. My bedroom is too far away from their bedroom, and I just can't sleep knowing that I won't wake up if they call for me. When they were little, I had a mattress on the floor in a separate bedroom that we slept on. It was hard like a crib mattress and free of pillows blankets and toys. It seemed much safer than getting out of bed in the middle of the night to change or feed the baby. I can't tell you how many parents that I know of who have dropped their baby in the middle of the night. I certainly would have been one of those parents.

As for intimacy between my husband and me, the kids are asleep for a good 4 hours before I go to bed. There is plenty of time for hanging out with my hubby before I actually go to bed. (Even if we didn't have kids, I might sleep in another room. My husband is a very restless sleeper, and I find it hard to sleep soundly next to him.)

All I know is that it works for us. We all get plenty of rest and get along very well. I'm sure that someday soon they will kick me out of their room, and I'll have to find a way to take back a corner of the King bed my husband thinks is all his.

My daughter just turned 3yrs and still sleeps with mom and dad(when he's home). I use to be one of those that thought letting your kids sleep with you was wrong. Now as a parent myself I feel like I'm keeping her safe.

As far as SIDS isn' safer to keep your child close than in another room where you will be less likely to hear and react quicker. Good moms don't crush their babies or let the dads.

Enjoy your baby as long as it keeps you and your little one happy and safe.

We have a 2- and a 4-year old, both girls. We have slept together since they were born. I do not regret that decision. It has been a time to bond and cuddle and be together. They're little only once and I want to be able to look back and remember those precious moments and unique conversations we have as they drift off to sleep in their Mommy's arms. It makes me feel like the luckiest person in the world. Whatever works for your family is the right thing. Don't let anyone tell you any different.

I am a psychologist and have written a book that can help parents teach their kids how to sleep independently. "Break the Co-Sleeping Habit" explains the difference between co-sleeping as a plan versus co-sleeping as a habit that parents can change. Techniques are provided that apply to all ages of children.

Well I can't say I am surprised by some of these postings. I am a co-sleeping parent and have heard it from other parents I know. The bottom line is that is is your decision as the parents. I am a new parent and as all of you parents know there are opinions about the "right" and "wrong" way to do everything involving your child. As long as you are co-sleeping responsibly, it should not be an issue. My son is 8 months old and has been sleeping through the night since 3 months. I can basically put him anywhere and he sleeps soundly. I am lucky in that. I breastfeed as well and decided on co-sleeping for a number of reasons besides the convenience of having him next to me for nursing.
I understand it is not for everyone but I can't stand people using these awful scare tactics to stray people from co-sleeping. Leave co-sleeping parents alone! My son is such a happy boy and even though he is only 8 months old he definitely shows no signs of insecurity. He goes to anyone that wants to hold him and loves other babies. All I ever hear is how laid back and happy he is. I know it's a long road from him being an adult but I feel I am helping him know that he is very loved and that his mommy and daddy will always be here when he needs us.
My mother lost a baby to SIDS and she did not co-sleep. For all of you that are throwing that around and not experienced it firsthand, please stop. I hope that no one pondering the idea of co-sleeping has let people sway them from it. Just read into the safe ways to do it and you will be ok.
As for the original question of when and how to switch to a crib...I am in the same boat. But from everyone I talked to, every child is different. Sorry I couldn't offer my advice, but I couldn't pass this posting up and not say something. So best of luck to you and sweet co-sleeping.

This is *not* a cultural thing.

My wife and I are both caucasian (white anglo-saxon american) and sleep with our child, just like our parents did (whom are all white anglo-saxon.)

Felt the need to burst the bubble that co sleeping is only done by african/asian cultures.